Category: military

The ad in the local newspaper read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Freeman ordered the
dog to be delivered. The next day, a van pulled up, and left her
the mangiest looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. “What
do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?”

“Don’t be deceived by his looks, Ma’am,” he replied. “He’s in
the Secret Service.”

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn’t believe in retaliation:

1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.

2. When he says “No,” ask, “Why not?”

3. Wait until he says something to the effect of “Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence.”

4. When he’s in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.

5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.

6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.

7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits. He also sold them their optional GI insurance.It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales. This had never happened before.Rather than ask, the Captain did a “random walk” and stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch. It went something like this:Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.” “Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly
rowdy bar for possible violations of the
driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on
the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he
found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his
keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver,
read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The
results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.”

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: “So how are your men?””Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.””I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.” “Well, my men are very brave, too.””I’d like to see that.”So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: “Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!””Are you crazy? It’d kill me, you idioy! I’m out of here!” As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:”You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.”

Note: This is an extract of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

INTERVIEWER: ” So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?”
GENERAL REINWALD: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.”

INTERVIEWER: “Shooting! that’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?”
GENERAL REINWALD: “I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.”

INTERVIEWER: “Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?”
GENERAL REINWALD: “I don’t see how, ….we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.”

INTERVIEWER: “But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.”
GENERAL REINWALD: “Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?”
The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause.
Train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons,
grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones,
chocolate, and canned tuna – drop us (parachuted, preferably)
across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes
naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing
standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is
formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We’ve had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect
them and their future.

We’d like to get away from our husbands, if they haven’t left
already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of
finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as
being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We’ve survived the water diet, the protein diet, the
carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas
across America and never lost a pound We can easily survive
months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at
all!

We’ve spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars,
hardware stores, or sporting events…finding bin Laden in some
cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new
government? Oh, please … we’ve planned the seating
arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving
dinners for years … we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we’ve divorced enough husbands to know every trick
there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts
and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know
how to seize it … with or without the government’s help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their
terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their
godforsaken terrain.

I’m going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

Hit Television Shows in Iraq:

“Husseinfeld”
“Mad About Everything”
“U.S. Military Secrets Revealed”
“Suddenly Sanctions”
“Allah McBeal”
“Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest”
“Matima Loves Chachi”
“The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show”
“Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs”
“Wheel of Fortune and Terror”
“Iraq’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers”
“Achmed’s Creek”
“The Price is Right If Saddam Says It’s Right”
M*U*S*T*A*S*H
“Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses”
“Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque”
“When Kurds Attack”
“Just Shoot Me”
“My Two Baghdads”
“Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things”
“Two Guys, a Girl and a Fatwah”
“Totally Clothed Baywatch”

Why is being in the military like a blow job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.

“Well, Father,” began the old man, “At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”

“That’s a wonderful thing,” interjected the priest, “But it’s certainly nothing you need to confess!” “It’s gets worse Father,” continued the elderly fellow, “I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors.”

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, “Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly.”

“Thank you Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?”

“Of course, my son,” said the priest.

The old man asked, “Do I have to tell her that the war is over?”

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn’t believe in retaliation:

1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.

2. When he says “No,” ask, “Why not?”

3. Wait until he says something to the effect of “Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence.”

4. When he’s in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.

5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.

6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.

7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

Remember back in WWII we used to call all the soldiers G.I. ‘s.
Well now we go against the Taliban so we call our
american soldiers Tally Wackers.