Category: military

Jim and Bob were walking down the street. Bob was dragging his
left leg, and Jim his right. Jim asks, “What happend to you?”
Bob says, “Vietnam, 1969, and you?” Jim says, “Dog shit, 2
Blocks back!”

This man is convicted of crime and sentenced to do hard time in
prison. The man has never been imprisoned before and is very
scared. He is most terrified from the stories of how new inmates
are raped and used sexually by other prisoners.

As he is being led to his cell the first day, other inmates are
whistling at him and yelling lewd comments. This only
intensifies his worries and concerns about being raped.

When he reaches his cell, he sees that his cellmate is a very
large, ugly, mean-looking guy. The man is just sure that he’ll
be abused. When the guard leaves, the cellmate says nothing and
appears uninterested in the man’s arrival. He is is a little
relieved. “Maybe I got lucky,” thinks the man to himself.

The end of the day approaches and still no conversation or
contact from the big, ugly cellmate. The guards announce lights
out, and the place goes almost black. The man is relieved when
still nothing is said and starts to relax a little.

Then all of a sudden in a deep, straight-forward voice, the
cellmate says, “You want to be the man or the woman tonight?”

The man’s heart races and he is stricken with fear. This is the
moment he’s been dreading. He says, “Excuse me?”

Again, the big, ugly cellmate says, “You gonna be the man or the
woman tonight?”

The man thinks to himself that he has no way to avoid this
situation. The other guy is too big and there is no escape. He
says, “I think I’d like to be the man,” thinking that he can at
least close his eyes and perform the sex act without pain this
night.

The cellmate says, “You want to be the man tonight?”

The man replies, “Yes, please, if that’s alright with you.”

The big ugly cellmate turns around, drops his pants, bends over
spreading his ass cheeks wide. He looks around and say to the
man in a deep demanding voice, “Alright, then get over here and
start eating your ol’ lady’s pussy!”

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males
in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she
knows how to use it and that she will if required so get out of
the car.

The 4 men didn’t wait around for a second invitation but got out
and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her
shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers
seat. Small problem, her key wouldn’t fit the ignition. Her car
was identical and parked four/five spaces further down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police
station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore
himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the
counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by
a mad elderly white woman. No charges were filed.

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, “If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?”

“Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.”

three soldiours were in hospital beds and the queen comes to visit them
she goes up to the first man whats wrong with you she says. scabs all over my stomach he says whats the cure she says.wired brush and dettol he says.whats youre ambition she says. to get back out and fight for my country he says.

goes up to the second man.whats wrong with you she says.scabs all over my face he says.whats the cure she says.wired brush and dettol he says.whats youre ambition she says to get back out and fight for my coutry he says

she goes up to the third man whats wrong with you she says.scabs all over my mouth he says.whats the cure she says wired brush and dettol he says.whats youre ambition she says to get the wired brush before these bastards he said

There were four vets sitting around a camp fire sharing war
stories. A Blue Angle, A Navy Seal, Marine Forest Recon, and an
Army Ranger.

The Blue Angle spoke up and said “I was in a dog fight and I
downed six of thoes bastards with out even taking a hit.”

The Navy Seal stood up and said “I jumped off the front of an
aircraft carrier with only a knife in my teeth and sank two
submarines.”

The Army Ranger then said “I jumped behind enemy lines with 200
rounds and killed 300 of the enemy.”

The Marine didn’t say anything he just looked at the other three
and stired the fire with his dick.

Several years ago a Brit friend of mine told a story in which an army officer was notified that the parents of one of his enlisted men (whose surname was Hawkins) had been killed in an accident.

The officer summoned the man’s sergeant, advised him of the situation, and asked him to break the news “gently”.

The sergeant went out and grouped his men and then barked “All those whose mothers and fathers are still living take one step forward–Hawkins, where the hell do you think you’re going?”

Q. Whats red and has 7 dents?

A. Snow whites cherry

During a job application, a boss of a successful company has
space to hire only one more employee, but he has a tie between
three people.

The boss places all of them in one room. He orders the first guy
to tell him something about himself and to also give a reason
why he shouldn’t hire either of the other two guys.

The first guy says, “I have experience in selling goods. All I
know is the third guy has a serious drug problem.”

The boss moves onto the second person and says the same thing.
The second guy replies, “I use to import and export goods. I
believe the third guy started using drugs from high school.”

The boss walks up to the third person and asks, “Do you know the
other two candidates for this job claim you are a drug addict?
Is this so?”

The third guy hesitates and answers, “Yes, but you can tell the
both of them right now they’ve lost their number one customer!”

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,” the general said. “Nothing to it-you’ll catch on again fast.”

Next morning promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said, “OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you.”

The instructor wanted to impress upon the soldiers how horrific any combat could become using nuclear weapons. He told the class, “The next war will be over in a matter of hours.”

One recruit whispered to a buddy, “Good !!! We’ll get the rest of the day off then.”

A personnel clerk at Fort Meade received a document, initialed it and passed it on to the Duty Officer. It promptly came back with a note attached: “This document didn’t concern you. Erase your initials and initial the erasure.”

Where does George Washington keep his armies?

Up his sleevies!!!!