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A woman comes to her doctor asking to pull out the vibrator that got stuck.
The doctor, after examining her says : “I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first”
“The bad news” says the woman.
“Well, I can’t take it out” answered the doctor.
“And what is the good news” asked the woman
“I can still change the batteries” – answered the doctor.
Patient: Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent? Doctor: Yes there is – being young and broke.
A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup.
“Remember,” the doctor said, “don’t get excited, don’t get mad, and forget about
baseball when you’re off the field.” Then he added, “By the way, how come you
let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in
the ninth?”
One day, a blonde went to the doctor’s office with a carrot in one ear, a
cucumber in the other ear and two peas up her nose. When the doctor asked what
was wrong, she complained she wasn’t feeling well. The doctor told her it was
because she wasn’t eating right.
A patient went to the hospital complaining of a stomach ache. The doctor says “what color is your stool?”The patient replies “White”The doctor, surprised asks “Really??”The patient, looking around the lab, says “yeah. aren’t they all??”
One day, a guy with a horrible stuttering problem went to his doctor.
“D-d-d-docter, is t-t-t-there anything t-t-that you c-c-c-can do for my stuttering?”
“Hop on to the table, and I’ll give you an exam.”
After the physical was over, the doctor told his patient that he thought he knew what the cause of his problem was.
“It seems that your penis is too long. There is a simple surgery that can be done to correct it, but your sex life might be greatly affected.”
“I d-d-d-don’t c-c-c-care. I’ll d-d-d-do anyt-t-thing it t-t-takes.”
So the man went in for surgery, and it was sucessful. He came back into the doctor’s office a couple of weeks later.
“Doctor, I don’t stutter anymore, but my girlfriend’s really mad at me. Do you think that there’s any way to get it reattached?”
“I d-d-d-don’t t-t-t-think s-s-s-so”
A man walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor says to him, ” I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” the patient says.
“The good news is that your penis is going to be two inches longer and an inch wider,”the doctor replies.
“That’s great!” says the patient.” What’s the bad news?”
The doctor says, “It’s malignant.”
A young man went to a party and met a very attractive young
blonde. She seemed very agreeable and after a few drinks she
invited him to her apartment around the corner. Soon they were
naked, and she told him that she had been to the doctor that day
and diagnosed to have a disease. But she couldn’t remember what.
“Do you have any idea”, asked the man. “It started with an ‘a’.
It was either AIDS or arthritis. I can’t remember which”, said
the women.
Quickly the man called a doctor friend of his. But the friend
couldn’t do the diagnosis over the phone. “But I have an idea”,
said the doctor. “Chase her around the room a little, and if her
joints swell then make love to her.”
Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in aluminum foil, what’s wrong with me? Doctor: You have far too much free time!
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck…it’s probably a duck,” and shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, “Hmmmm…green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound…might be a duck.” He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, “Go see if that was a duck.”
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. “Any specific problems you should tell me about?” the doctor asked.”Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours,” she replied. “Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?””Well,” the doctor answered, “haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?” the doctor inquired.After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, “Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess.”
Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there’s a guy who specializes in your hole.
They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can’t help you, he sends you to a surgeon.
Why? So he can make a new hole!