Category: medical

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him – “Doctor, I don’t know what the problem is, but I’ve been farting all the time. It’s not really a problem socially because they don’t make any noise and don’t smell. I just can’t stop farting all the time. In fact while I’ve been in here I must have farted at least 20 times.”

The doctor nods and gives her some pills. “Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done.”

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. “What kind of medicine is this? I’m still farting just as much? They still don’t make any noise, but now they stink terribly!”

The doctor nodded, “It’s alright, now that we have your sinus’ cleared up, we’ll work on your hearing next!”

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute).

In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), “Oh, you can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now!”

Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.

After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn’t be helped as well.

“Yes, yes” signed the mute. “Let’s have the first treatment right now!”

“Very well,” replies the specialist.
“Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I’ll be right in.”

The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he “sends it home” with a few deft swipes of the mallet.

The mute jumps from the table, screaming, “AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!”

“VERY good,” smiles the doctor.
“Next Tuesday, we start with ‘B'”

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes.She was a bit shocked, but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked, but if I would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did, he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive ‘yes, yes’ type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.After she had, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.”So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?” “Well,” he replied, “my wife is right, a beard would suit me”

Your doctor and his staff may be harmful to your health. The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by real physicians. Hmmm, suspicions confirmed… * By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. * Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.* On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. * She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. * The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.* Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.* I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor. * The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. * Discharge status: Alive but without permission. * The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him. * Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. * The patient refused an autopsy. * The patient has no past history of suicides. * The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. * Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. * The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days. * She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. * The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room. * The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. * Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. * The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. * Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.* She is numb from her toes down. * While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. * The skin was moist and dry. * Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. * Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. * Patient was alert and unresponsive. * When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. * Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. * She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1995 when she got a divorce. * The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. * The patient worked his entire life as a grain elevator. * I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. * The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. * Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. * Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. * Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. * Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. * The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead. * Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.* Skin: Somewhat pale but present. * The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor. * Vomiting of unknown origin. * Admitted in error. * Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. * Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. * Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities. * Dr. Blank is watching his prostate. * If he squeezes the back of his neck for 4 or 5 years it comes and goes.

Potential Viagra Slogans:10. ‘Viagra, The quicker dicker upper’ 9. ‘Viagra, One-a-day, like iron’ 8. ‘Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight’ 7. ‘Viagra, Home of the whopper’ 6. ‘Viagra, It plumps when you take ’em’ 5. ‘Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman’ 4. ‘Viagra, Tastes great, more filling’ 3. ‘Viagra, Six inches long… and growing.’ 2. ‘Viagra, We work harder, so you don’t have to’ …..and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra: 1. ‘This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?’—————————Q. What’s the difference betwen an Irish and a Jewish husband?A. The first buys Viagra; the second buys Pfizer. ————————–An Oregon resident made enough capital gain on his Pfizer stock to buy himself a new Mercedes Convertable. He then tried to honor the product which had caused the stock runup by buying the vanity license plate ‘VIAGRA.’ The DMV refused to register it; mumbling some bureaucratic blather about the word he was seeking being on a list of ‘controlled substances’ forbidden on Oregon Vanity License plates. When he counter-argued that it was a LEGAL ethical product, they then muttered something about it being a copyrighted word.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
A: He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

Newspaper Headline:
“Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn’t Seen in Years”

-“Wait, we were supposed to REMOVE the implants?”

– “This guy used to beat me up in junior high! I’ll show him.”

– “Crud, I dropped my contact in there.”

– “Nurse, what does this button do? It does, uh oh.”

– “Don’t worry; it probably won’t happen to this one too.”

– “Let�s cut this, just for fun.”