Category: medical

A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.

She says, “Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?”

He says, “You know, Miss Stukowski, you’re the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy!”

A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him.

“I can’t seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with
alcohol.”

“Well,” said the redneck, “then I’ll come back when you’re sober.’

This chick walks into a doctor’s office and the nurse tells her to take off her clothes and that the doctor will be with her in a minute, so she does.

The doctor walks in and take off his coat and starts to feel between her thighs. He asks “do you know what I’m doing now” and she replies “you’re checking for menopause” and he says “very good”.

Then he starts feeling her tits and he asks her “do you know what I’m doing now” and she says “checking for breast cancer” and he says “very good”.

Then he jumps on her and starts rooting her and asks if she knows what he’s doing now and she replies “contracting genital herpes cause that’s why I came to see you”

1.Whenever you get excited you get a plastic bag pleaced over
your head and placed in a dark hole.

2.Your neighbor is an ass.

3.Your best friends is a pussy.

4.Wenever your stressed your two friends dissapear to the north.

5.You shrink when wet.

6.One word: ZIPPERS

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came
out and said, “You had a great checkup. Is there anything that
you’d like to ask me?”

“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”

“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your
family?”

“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”

1. “I’ll just be a minute.”

2. “Let’s get together for lunch. I’ll give you a call.”

3. “Everything’s fixed.”

4. “The check is in the mail.”

5. “I’ll return your book as soon as I finish reading it.”

6. “The doctor will be with you shortly.”

A man with stomach trouble wanted to try the newly introduced automated diagnosis machine at the shopping centre. He inserted his credit card an a urine sample as instructed, waited 30 seconds and then read the printout: “You have a tennis elbow”. The man was impressed, but at the same time annoyed as his arms were perfectly alright. He decided really to put the machine to the test, so he went home and collected urine samples from his wife and his cat, and for good measure added the contents of a used condom. He returned to the machine, inserted his credit card and the combined sample. After 30 seconds the printout read: “Your cat is going to have kittens, your wife is perfectly healthy, but you should quit masturbating when you have a tennis elbow.”

This woman goes into a dentist’s office, after he is through examining her he says: “I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.”

The woman then says: “Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I’d rather have a baby!”

To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind lady, I’ll have to adjust the chair!”

I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.

Well, the flu has finally struck me! I have avoided it for several years, but now I’m very sick! Before I start studying for my blood test tomorrow, I thought I’d pull out this list of medical terms. It really impresses those doctors when you know all the latest medical terminology!

Artery – The Study of paintings

Bacteria – Back door to the cafeteria

Barium – What you do when CPR fails

Benign – What you be after you be eight

Bowel – A letter like A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y

Caesarean Section – A neighborhood near Rome

Cat Scan – Searching for Kitty

Cauterize – Made eye contact with the nurse

Colic – A Sheep Dog

Coma – A punctuation mark

Congenital – Friendly

D&C – Where Washington is located

Dilate – To live long

Enema – Not a friend

GI Series – Baseball `etween teams of soldiers

Grippe – A Suitcase

Hangnail – A coat hook

Impotent – Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain – Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff – A Doctor’s cane

Morbid – A higher offer

Nitrate – Cheaper than the day rate

Node – Was aware of

Outpatient – A person who has fainted

Pelvis – Cousin to Elvis

Post-operative – A letter carrier

Protein – In favor of young people

Recovery Room – Where you have your upholstery done

Rectum – Darn near killed him

Rheumatic Fever – Amorouc feeling

Secretion – Hiding anything

Seizure – A Roman emperor

Tablet – A small table

Terminal Illness – Sick at the airport

Tibia – North African country

Tumor – An extra pair

Urine – Opposite of you’re out

Varicose Veins – Veins which are very close together

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the
frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “frog with four feet jumps four feet.”

So the scientist cut off one of one of the frog�s legs. The scientist told the
frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book,
“frog with three feet jumps three feet.”
So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped
two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook “frog with two feet jumps two
feet.”
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one
foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “frog with one foot jumps one
foot.”
So the scientist cut off his last leg.
“He said, “Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!”
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “Frog with no feet goes deaf.”

A woman wanted to have bigger boobs, so she went to the doctor’s
office. While in the doctor’s office she met a guy and they
talked for a while, then the doctor called her in.

After hearing what she wanted done, he gave her boob-balloons
and told her, “Put them on and when ever you want them to get
bigger flap your arms.” So she left the doctors offie feeling
very happy.

That night she decided to go to a bar to show off her new boobs.
She flapped her arms and made her boobs the size she wanted. In
the bar a guy came up to her and said, “I remeber you.” So she
asked, “From where?” The guy, while flapping his legs, replied,
“From the doctor’s office.”