Category: medical

A very old couple wanted to have children, so they went to their doctor and
told him their problem. The doctor gave the couple a tiny jar and told them to
fill it up. About a week later, the couple came back.
“I tried with my right hand until it gave out, and I tried with my left hand
until it gave out,” said the man.
“And I tried with both hands until they gave out,” said the woman. “And we
still can’t get the lid off the jar.”

A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted children, but didn’t know
how to go about it. Questions and conversations with friends and relatives
proved no help, until a neighbor said they should go to town and ask the Big
City Doctor. The doctor let them look at a child’s book about where babies came
from, but to no avail. He tried his own explanation but was met with blank
stares. Exasperated, he took them to his private office, and showed them a porno
movie. This was also useless. Angrily, he ordered the girl to strip, told the
man to watch, and had sex with her on the couch.
”Now, do you understand?” he asked.
”I just have one question. How many times a week do I have to bring her in
for this?”

Why did the gynecologist go to the eye doctor?
Because things were looking a little fuzzy.

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. –

Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.

Get plenty of rest

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR … You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.

Why? Because alcohol kills germs.

SO … I walk to the liquor store (exercise),

I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress), then pass out (rest).

The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can’t get you!!!

Doctor’s stories-You can’t make this stuff up. (Sometimes the truth is funnier than fiction!)

A man comes into the ER and yells “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one!

======================================================

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.

======================================================

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

======================================================

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

“Now your left.” Again, a flawless read.

“Now both,” I requested.

There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with BOTH his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam

=======================================================

And of course, the best is saved for last…. I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?”

“It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly!”

To score, enter the number that is most appropriate for each question:

0 – if the statement is never true

1 – if it is rarely true

2 – if it is sometimes true

3 – if it is always true.

1. ___ Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk.”

2. ___ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

3. ___ The cat is on Valium.

4. ___ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

5. ___ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.

6. ___ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

7. ___ No one has time to *wait* for microwaved food.

8. ___ “Family meetings” are often mediated by local law enforcement officials.

9. ___ You have to check your kids’ day-timers to see if they *can* take out the garbage.

10.___ No-Doze gives you bulk rates.

How you rate:

30 – A perfect score! Welcome to the neighborhood!

20-29 – You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up a bit.

10-19 – You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?

0-9 – Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife…

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to
celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he
locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he
says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he
tell me something I don’t know! I mean, he actually thinks I
haven’t noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw
a picture of Nelson’s Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that
will fix his “problem.” It’s called Viagra. I told him that if
he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our
wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac
with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!

Day 6
Isn’t life wonderful?! But it’s difficult to write while he’s
doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended!
Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a
Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to
admit it’s very nice – I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of
mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.
I’m also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so
much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down
with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all
over….

Day 11
I’m basically being screwed to death. It’s like living with a
Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the
bed. Even my armpits hurt. He’s a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I’ve stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my
teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even
yawning has become dangerous…

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like
going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he
tries that “Oops, sorry” thing again, I’ll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even
started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more
horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I’ll have to kill him. I’m starting to stick to
everything I sit on. The cat and dog won’t go near him and our
friends don’t come over any more. Last night I told him to go
and fuck himself and he did.

Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the
bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the
Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn’t seem to have made any
difference…Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He’s back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of
the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects
me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

Chrissy and Johnny are unhappy about their sex life because that
spark is gone. So they decided to go to this renowned French sex
doctor. When sitting in the doctors office he tells them, “I am
going to have to do a full body examination of the two of you
and depending on the outcome of the exam I’ll perscribe
something for you.” The couple agree to do this. The doctor then
takes Chrissy for the exam and checks her out from tip to toe
and writes some notes down. The doctor then does the same for
Johnny. When seated back in the office the doc tells them he can
help. So he says “Sir on your way home from work tomorrow I want
you to buy a punnet of strawberries, and mam I want you to buy a
box of doughnuts. Then when you get home I want you both to sit
on the floor naked. Mam your legs must be open, and sir you must
roll the strawberries at your wifes love hole like a tiger, then
mam you must make your husband sit at the other side of the room
with an erection and through the dounghnuts on his penis.” The
couple look at each other and think this guy is mad, but they
had nothing to loose, so they tried it, and had the most amazing
sex ever.

The next night they went to a function and told some friends of
the doctor and how he had helped them. So this other couple went
to the doctor, who told them about the exam and depending on
that he would try help them. After the exam sitting in the
office, the doctor said he couldn’t help them. The couple were
dissapointed so they begged him to help them, their freinds were
so happy now. So the doctor said ok. “Sir on your way home
tomorrow I want you to buy a bag of apples, and mam, on your way
home tomorrow I want you to buy a box of fruitloops!”

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all your crose.” The woman did as she was told.”Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room.” Again, the woman did as she was instructed.Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me.” So she did.Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, “Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates.”Confused, the woman asked, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?”Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, “Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.”

A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.
“Just my sister in New York,” he volunteered. “But she’s a spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters;’ they are married to God.”

“Really…wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor’s office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor’s office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, ‘What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?’ To this, the eye doctor responded, ‘I said to myself ‘Thank God I’m not a gynecologist.”

A guy’s brain-dead girlfriend comes back from the doctor’s and tells him that she’s got a disease, but she can’t remember what it’s called. All she remembers is that it has a two-letter name. The guy phones the doc, who tells him that he’d seen two women patients that morning, but due to confidentiality laws he can’t discuss any cases.

All he is prepared to say is that one patient had TB and one had VD. The guy is distraught, as he was horny as a porcupine and looking forward to a night of heavy passion.

“What can I do, Doc?” he asks.

Doc says, “Hell, chase her round the bed three or four times. If she starts coughing, screw her.”