Category: medical

Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?Patient: Yes.Doctor: Well, don’t do that.

What do Disneyland and Viagra have in common?

You wait one hour for a two minute ride!

“A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”

“Don’t worry,” he says, “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.

The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.”

“Who is the third rose from?” she asked

“Oh,” says the doctor, “that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit…
He wanted to thank you for his new ears!”

A nun one night enters a liquor store and asks the keeper of the
shop for some alcohol. “I can’t. It’s just not right. It goes
against my conscience and religious beliefs to sell booze to a
nun.” he says. “But I must have it for medicinal proposes for
the mother superior,” she tells him pleadingly.

“Sister, I just can’t. Don’t ask this of me, please,” he begs.
“I must, it’s our last resort to help the good mother with this
personal problem. A sample of your brew might be the cure.” she
tries to explain.

“And you swear this is for nothing more than medicinal
proposes?” he asks. “I lay to you the promise that is true on
the cross of Christ,” she swears with hand over heart.

“All right, you can have the smallest bottle in the shop.” he
cedes. “That is more than enough, thank you, and god bless.” She
buys the stuff and leaves.

Later that night, after closing shop and heading home through
the park, the keeper runs into the little nun, sloshed out of
her mind on a park bench. “Sister, you lied to me, you swore to
Christ that the booze I sold you would be for medicinal proposes
for mother superior,” he said, hurt and confused.

“I dina ly, it iss for the motfer sup-(hichup)-erior. Maybe
she’ll quit a bitchen and finnally shit (burp) when she sees me.”

This old mountain woman was going to see a real docter for the first time in her life. After the exam , the doctor tells her to go home and come back in two days with a specimen. When she gets home she ask’s her husband what a specimen is. He say’s hell i don’t know, go up the holler and ask ole lady wheeler, she knows somebody who went to a real doctor one time. The wife heads up the holler , then a few hours later comes back with a black eye, busted lip, and using a stick for a cane. The husband said , what happened to you? She said well i stepped up on ole lady wheelers porch and asked her what a specimen was, she told me to go piss in a jar, so i told her to go fart in a jug, and all hell broke loose!

Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.

They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of “duck waddling” down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn’t agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem.

One says, “my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia.” Which of us is correct?

The old man replies, “Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!”

If you have a lot of tension and you get headaches, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
“Take two and keep away from children.”

Everywhere this lady went, nobody wanted to talk to her, no one ever asked her to go out. Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this would happen.

So she went to her doctor and told him what was going on. She thought
that maybe there was a problem with her.

The doctor told her he would give her a complete exam.
He told her to undress and get up on the table, so she did.

He told her to open her mouth and he checked it.
Then he asked her to get down from the table and bend over.
He then said to the lady, “I know what your problem is, you have zactly.”

The lady then asked, “What is zactly?”
The doctor said, “Lady your mouth smells zactly like your butt!”

Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.

The doctor said “Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work.”

The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came.
He said, “I haven’t won any prizes, but I’ve started free clinics and helped those in need for free.” St. Peter let him in.

The third doctor said, “I’m responsible for all the HMO’s across the United States.”

St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, “OK…
I’ll let you in, but only for three days!”

An old man walks into a health clinic and tells doctor, “You
have got to do something to lower my sex drive.”

The doctor takes one look at the feeble old man and says, “Now,
now, sir, I have got the feeling that your sex drive is all in
your head.”

“That’s what I mean doc,” the old man says, “I have got to lower
it a little.”

A gynecologist decides that he’d had it with gynecology. He wanted to go and fulfill his lifelong dream and become a car mechanic. So he studied hard, and when he felt he was ready, he registered to go take the state licensing test.

The results of the test arrived a few weeks later, and with trembling hands he opened the envelope to discover that he passed with flying colors! He got a score of 200 points out of the 100 points possible.

“200 points out of 100 points possible?” he asks himself. “How can that be?”

So he calls the licensing board and they tell him: “You see sir, you received 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, 50 points for putting the engine back perfectly, and 100 EXTRA points for doing it all through the muffler.”

One Day this old doctor decided he wanted to retire but he would have to train the young doctor to do house calls. The first day was a training day for the young doctor. the old doctor took the young doctor to one of his house calls he told the young doctor before they entered that the women who lived here was 50 years old and had a belly ache. The old doctor walked up to the women in bed, and lisened to her belly. He told her to lay off the fruit. As the doctors left the young doctor ased the old doctor how he knew the old women had ate a lot of fruit, the old doctor replied, he stumbled into the trash can filled with apple peelings. The next day the old doctor said its your turn. The old women they went to see today was about 60 she was always tired. the young doctor looked at her and said she had been work for the church to long. When they left the Old doctor asked how he knew that. The young doctor replied, the sunday school books and the preacher under the bed. the old doctor told the young doctor your goona make a fine doctor when I retire.