The Cohens were shown into the dentist’s office, where Mr. Cohen made it clear he was in a big hurry. ‘No fancy stuff, Doctor,’ he ordered, ‘No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.’ ‘I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,’ said the dentist admiringly. ‘Now, which tooth is it?’ Mr. Cohen turned to his wife Becky. ‘Show him, honey.’
Category: medical
Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a
difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student
nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles
black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m
only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in
one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a
close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with
them, Sir!”
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen
very, very closely ……
Are – my – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b
a c k?
Is she feeling any better?
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?Nurse: No change yet.
The Top 15 Least Useful Scientific Experiments
15> Determining What Microwave Oven Setting Will Cause Dick Cheney’s Implant to Perform the Drum Solo from “Wipeout”
14> If you hold up a 250 mile-tall drinking straw, will the vacuum of space suck out the atmosphere through the straw into space?
13> Discovering the Human Factor Behind Termination of Canine Incarceration: Who Let the Dogs Out?
12> Determining the Optimal Environment for Belly Button Lint Growth
11> Supersaturation: How Many Items Can Appear On A 5-Item List?
10> Jennifer Lopez’s Ass: Particle or Wave?
9> Determining Genetic Combination of Radically Different Morphologies (aka Why Cameron Diaz Should Have Sex With Me)
8> Does Jay Leno’s jaw get bigger as David Letterman’s hair recedes?
7> Classification and Measurement of Arbo-Rectal Implants: How Far Up Tom DeLay’s Ass Does That Stick Really Go?
6> Marmota Monax and Forest Product Propulsion: Just Exactly How Much Wood Would a Woodchuck Chuck?
5> Detecting the Chemical Composition of Mike Tyson Just Before His Next Fight
4> Measuring the Cheez Whiz Capacity of MC Hammer’s Pants
3> The Avian Defecation/Automotive Cleanliness Nexis: A Study in the Guano Production as a Function of “Car Wash” Proximity
2> Monkeys, Jerry Springer Guests and Typewriters: Is “Hamlet” in Their Future?
1> T’n’A Sequencing
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Follow-up appointment
During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
“Which one?”, asked the doctor “The patch,” he replied, “the nurse told me to
put on a new one every six hours and I’ve run out of places to put it!” The
doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn’t see . .
. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Medical problem with his, er, well, you read it…
There was a guy named tom who had three balls, so one day he went to the doctor to do something about it, the doctor asked him”how many balls have you got”Tim was a shy person, so he said,”er, your balls and my balls add up to 5 balls”The doctor’s face turned into a surprised expression and he said,”WHAT???you’ve got 1 ball????”
Dick Transplant
A man comes to the doctor and says, “m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so
pressurized that I st-st-stutter.” The doctor tells him he will
give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a
4-inch-long dick. He comes back in a week and says, “Now my wife
wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?” The doctor
replies… “A d-d-d-deal’s a d-d-d-deal.”
Breeding Problem
A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist and complains:
“Doctor, when I wasn’t married, I had six abortions, and now I got married and can’t get pregnant.”
“Well” said the doctor, “It’s possible you don’t breed in captivity!”
Doctor, Doctor!!!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I’m not allowed up on the couch!
Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Not really – I spill most of it!
Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.
Then you’ll have a bad headache.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m God!
Doc: When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the…
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doc: I never make rash promises!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a frog!
Doc: So what’s wrong with that?
I think I’m going to croak!
Blonde in Pain
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her
body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, “Show me where.”
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, “Ouch!”
Then she touched her leg and screamed, “Ouch!”
She touched her nose and cried, “Ouch!”
She looked at her doctor and said, “See? It hurts everywhere!”
The doctor laughed and said, “Don’t worry; it’s not serious. You�ve just got a
broken index finger.”
Beware of Doctors
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind.
The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do.
The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
“What’s the matter?” asked his wife. “Did I hurt you?”
“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”
Bad News 2
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well… The bad news first…
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.