Category: medical

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.

“How’s your sex life?” the doctor asked.

“Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s relief. But then he added, “I’ve had some strange side effects.”

“What’s that that?” the doctors asked anxiously.

“Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on.”

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.”

“On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”

“Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.”

“The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.”

“Well, all right”, the doctor said. “On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios…”

A man takes his regular trip to the doctors. To his horror, his
doctor tells him he has acquired AIDS. The patient asks what he
should do, if he can be cured. The doctor simply tells him to
eat bran foods, prune juice, anything to get the poo flowing. So
the man does exactly as the doctor tells him.

A month later, the same man comes back to the clinic. With
confidence he may be cured, he asks the doctor. The doctor
laughs and says, “No, I just wanted you to know what your ass
was for!”

A COLLECTIVE FROM MEDICAL INTERVIEW RECORDS WRITTEN BY VARIOUS PARAMEDICS, EMERGENCY ROOM RECEPTIONISTS, AND (WE ARE AFRAID) A DOCTOR OR TWO AT MAJOR HOSPITALS.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

13> “Is ‘Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo’ still playing at the drive-in?”

12> “Which way’s the bathroom?”

11> “You kept my Led Zeppelin 8-tracks, right?”

10> “What, you couldn’t cut my friggin’ hair *once* in 20 years?”

9> “Why is everyone so impressed that these morning DJs manage to talk strippers into taking their tops off?”

8> “Hey, nurse, where’s the beef? Ha! Isn’t that hysterical?”

7> “How’s our ally, Saddam Hussein, doing?”

6> “So Houston vs. St. Louis on ‘Monday Night Football’ — should I put my money on the Oilers or the Cardinals?”

5> “A red M&M?!? Are you trying to *poison* me?!?”

4> “Did anyone break my record Pac-Man score on the machine in the parachute pants store?”

3> “No shit? You can get Night Ranger to play at my birthday party?!?”

2> “Who’s that freaky pasty-faced white woman I saw on TV doing the dead-on impersonation of Michael Jackson?”

1> “Jeez, would somebody please tell that kid on MTV that his pants are about to fall off?”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

There one was a heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an
attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight
Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington
Post when he noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight: Only $1.00 a pound Call (202) 555-0238
the man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other
end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?”
The man responded, “Ten pounds.”
The voice replied, “Very well, give me your credit card
number and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a
beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating,
“If you catch me, you can have me.”
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through
the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he
did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, “Quick, go into
the bathroom and weigh yourself.” He did just that and was amazed to find that
he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked,
“How much weight do you want to lose?”–to which the somewhat-less-overweight
man replied, “Twenty pounds.” “Very well,” the voice on the phone told him,
“Give me your credit card number and we’ll have a representative over to your
house in the morning.”
“At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When
he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a
sign around her neck stating, “If you catch me, you can have me.” The chase took
a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did
catch her. When he was through she told him, “Quick, run into the bathroom and
weigh yourself.” He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20
pounds!
“This is fantastic!” he thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end
asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?” “Fifty pounds!” the man exclaimed.
“Fifty pounds?” the voice asked, “That’s an awful lot of weight to lose at one
time.” The man replied, “Listen buddy, here’s my credit card number, you just
have your representative over here in the morning!” and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed,
splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At
about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this
large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, “If I catch you, I am going
to have you.”

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s
office. After the exam, she shyly said, ”My husband wants me to ask you…,”
to which the doctor replies, ”I know, I know,” placing a reassuring hand on
her shoulder. ”I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the
pregnancy.”
”No, that’s not it,” the woman confessed. ”He wants to know if I can still
mow the lawn.”

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God
asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to
God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, ”Welcome to
heaven, my son.”
God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him
into heaven. ”I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,”
the doctor replies. ”Welcome to heaven, my son,” God says.
God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man
replied that he worked for an HMO. ”Welcome to heaven, my son,” says God,
”but you have to leave in two days.”

A guy went to the doctor to quit smoking, and the doctor gave him a nicotine
patch, which he promptly put on his penis. A couple of weeks, he came back to
the doctor’s.
“How’s it going?” the doctor asked him.
“Great,” he replied. “I haven’t had a butt in weeks.”

The four stages of getting sick: ill,pill,bill,will.
—shashidhar desai

There once was a man who lost his arms in a car accident. One
day he won a million dollar lottery. After a moment of thought,
he rushed to the hospital and asked their top surgeon whether he
could get his arms back for a million dollars.

“Wow,” the doctor replied, “I just invented a completely voice
activated mechanical arm, but I can only give you one though.”
So he showed him some of the stuff the arm could do and the man
was amazed and bought the arm.

The next day he went to the pub with his friends to show off his
new advanced arm. As they sat together he told the arm to pick
up his pint of beer and give him a sip. The arm did it perfectly
and the friends were amazed.

After a few pints the man went for a piss. He told the arm to
take his penis out and away he pissed. Then he tells the arm to,
“give it a little shake.” The arm does and the man enjoyed it,
and so he looks around to make sure no one is looking and tells
the arm to give it another little shake.

He gets a boner and once again turns around to make sure
nobody’s watching and then tells the arm, “Jerk it off!” The arm
pulls off his penis and the man screams out, in pain, “Fuck Me!”

So the arm then shoves his penis up his ass. The man even more
shocked at this stage shouts out, “Holy shit, would you look at
that.” The arm pulls his penis out of his ass and shoves it
right into one of his eyeballs!

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?Doctor: Sell!

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com