Category: medical

One day my friend told me that his uvula(the little flap of skin
hanging down in front of your throat) was hurting, and he needed
to go see a doctor. Now, he was trying to impress her, and so he
asked me for the scientific name for it. I told him, and off he
went. He came back over to my house a few hours later, with a
face redder than a fire truck. Apparently, when the doctor asked
him what was wrong, he replied that his vulva was sore.

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.

The doctor says, “You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.”

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. “Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember,” she says. “I am going to treat you like a king!”

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.

She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.

Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her… “Honey?” he whispers.

She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband’s dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.

Well, the man decides to tap her again. “Honey?” he whispers.

She rolls over and yells, “Oh sure!…
You’re not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!

A lady with a frog stuck to her head comes to the doctor’s office. When the
doctor asked her what’s wrong the frog says, �I got something stuck to my ass!�

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don’t worry it will take just five minutes.

Patient: And how much will it cost?

Dentist: It’s $90.00.

Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???

Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Q: Why did the gynecologist go to the eye doctor?
A: Because everything he saw was fuzzy.

I was sorry to hear that a friend of mine dropped out of med school. He really wanted to be a doctor, but just couldn’t stand the sight of money.

“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending
anymore time with you.

“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
—or–
I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

“We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news
is, you’re going to pay for it.

“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be
cured.

“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this
stuff.

“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can
solve this one.

“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a
shrink who’ll split fees with me …

“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn
something about this.

A man at a nursing home took Viagra and went to the lunch room,
where the residents were playing Bingo. To get their attention
he yelled out, “SUPER SEX!, Super Sex!” The ladies yelled back,
“I want the SOUP!” “Soup, Please.” “Oh, I’d love some soup!”

Generic Viagra is sold under the name Fix-a-Flat.

New Viagra eye drops make you look hard.

Viagra in Spanish, we’re told, is “viejos agradecidos” or
“greated old guys” (sic).

Viagra has been a big boon to ‘stand up’ comedians.

The man spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he’s hard up.

Viagra in chocolate bars – you eat it, She says, “Oh, Oh Henry!”

A bank sign in Dallas during this heat wave complains: “Who put
Viagra in the thermometer?”

Bread with Viagra as an added ingredient is being marketed
through a Boston bakery under the name “Pepperidge Firm”.

Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A
man took twelve pills and his wife died.

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription
exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him,
had a different opinion: “Oh, $40 a year isn’t too bad.”

…Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his
throat and suffered from a stiff neck.

Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and
you’re up all night.

How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb?
One little tablet, and it’s a whole new bulb.

Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five
gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in
the region.

The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard
drive. The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the
hard drive.

If you’re depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a
professional. If that doesn’t work, see a doctor!

A guy named Dave emailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in
his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt
is too stiff to wear.

We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to
stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and
they stand up straight and tall.

Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland – a one-hour wait for
a 2-minute ride.

Dan Quail does not support Viagra. Quote: “I’ve been using this
stuff for a week and NOTHING! It’s the worst suppository I’ve
ever used.”

Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may
cause them to spin around and point north.

Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid
off into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up.

New plans are being made to raise the Titanic. Experts plan to
pump it full of Viagra, and expect it to raise right up.

For years the medical professional has been looking after the
ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they’re raising the
dead!

The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.

It’s been said that if you take Viagra and Propecia (or use
Rogain) at the same time, things work great — but you look like
Don King, afterward.

A Viagra delivery truck was high-jacked: The police are looking
for two ‘hardened criminals.’ They expect a stiff penalty under
the penal code.

Unconfirmed but frequent reports tell us that a man who
overdosed on Viagra caused the funeral home problems – they
couldn’t close his coffin lid for 3 days.

Even so, we’re told that the funeral home industry is happy
about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs means an upswing in
business.

We loved Newsweek’s comments on the trade name Microsoft, to
wit: Let’s see… “Micro” and “Soft”. Needs Viagra!

A man is in a hospital bed completely wrapped up in a body cast. One of the
nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said, “Don’t move — I’ll be right
back.”
When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement,
“How did you get that in your mouth, you can’t even move?” Then the man said, “I
hiccupped.”

5. You never have to watch reruns on television.4. You are always meeting new people.3. You don’t have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.1. Mysteries are always interesting.

Yo mama’s so stupid she thought asphalt was a rectal disorder.

Nitrous oxide – “Makes me light-headed”
Novocain – “Makes me numb”
Novocain – “When it wore off I had a lot of pain”
Bleach – “When I inhale it, have rasp. distress”
Epinephrine – “makes my heart race”
Poison Ivy – “gives me a rash”
Erythromycin – “N/V”

Dextrose– causes SOB
Diprovan– “lose consciousness”
paper tape– causes tachycardia
codeine-“makes me constipated and vomit”

Cortisone – “gives me hives”
Morphine – “makes me sleepy”

Ampicillin — “gives me a yeast infection”
Cortisone/prednisone — “makes me puffy”

“I can only take brand name drugs, I get a rash from any generics”

“Allergic to oxygen”
“Allergic to water”
“Allergic to all painkillers except Demerol”
“I’m allergic to Demerol, codeine, Morphine and 2mg Deluded. But I can take
4mg Dilaudid.”
Allergic to: non-narcotic pain relievers
“I’m allergic to all painkillers except one. I think it�s called
‘perc-a-something’ but I really don’t remember the exact name”.
“Doc, I’m allergic to 50 milligrams of Demerol but 100 mg doesn’t hurt me at
all.”