Category: medical

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says, “Here’s a pill for English literature.”

The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

“What else do you have?” asks the student.

“Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?”

The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment,” goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, “Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow.”

A woman goes to her doctor for a follow up visit after the
doctor had prescribed testostorone (a male hormone) for her. She
is a little worried about some of the side effects she was
experiencing.

“Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped,
but I’m afraid your giving me too much. I am starting to grow
hair in places I have never grown hair before.”

The doctor reassured her, “A little hair growth is a perfectly
normal side effect of testosterone. Just where is the hair
appearing?”

The woman replies, “On my BALLS!”

A man picks up a woman at bar and takes her home for sex. After
pumping away for a long time, the woman cries, “I need more, I
need more!”

The man wondering what to do decides to use his fist to fuck the
woman. So there he is fisting away, getting as far into her as
his elbows! Still the woman cries, “I need more. I need more!”

Thinking about it, he decides to use his feet as an alternative!
He takes his shoes and socks off, rolls up his trousers and
starts pumping away. He does this for quite a while, going as
deep as his knees! Finally the woman is satisfied and the man
leaves, after a job well done.

He wakes up the next morning with a disgusting fungal growth on
his knee! Horrified, he goes to see his doctor. Amazed, the
doctor says he has “gonorrhoea of the knee!” “How did you get
that?” he asks, “I have never seen this before!”

The man makes his excuses and leaves quickly with his medication.

Limping his way home, the man notices the circus is in town. One
of the tents boosts “Dodgy disease, win $10,000.” The man
enquires and is told that people are invited to show any
disgusting diseases they may have, and the person with the worst
disease win $10,000.

The man shows him his gonorrhoea of the knee. The judge gasps
“This is truly disgusting but you have just missed out. The
prize has been issued”

“Who was is given to?” the man asks enquiringly.

“Oh, this lady came in a short while ago. She had ‘Athlete’s
Cunt.'”

Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:

Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop
“Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
Hand me that…uh…that…uh…..thingie
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again…
“Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ’em.”
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.
What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change…!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?
Don’t worry; I think it’s sharp enough.
What do you mean “You want a divorce”!
She’s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!

A man went to the Doctor because he wasn’t feeling himself today. When he went the doctor said well I have good news and bad news.Man: What’s the bad news? Dr: The bad news is that u have a chance of being a homosexual. Man: Ok doctor, now what can possibly be the good news? Dr: I think you’re kinda cute.

A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She’s sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she’s very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted.

“What sort of perversion are you talking about?” asks the doctor.

“Well,” said the woman, “I like to be… Ohh… Ah… Ummm… I’m sorry doctor, but I’m too ashamed to talk about it.”

“Come, come, my dear. I’m a doctor you know; I’ve been trained to understand these problems. So what’s the matter…?”

So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright idea.

“Look,” he said, “I’m a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion is, I’ll show you what mine is. Okay? Is it a deal?”

The woman considered the offer and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request. So after a slight pause, she said, “Well my perversion is… My perversion… Oh… I like to be kissed on the bottom!”

“Shit, is that ALL!” said the doctor. “Look, go behind that screen, take all your clothes off, and I’ll come round and show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!”

So the woman does as she is told and undresses behind the screen. She gets down on all fours thinking to herself, “Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bum.”

Anyway, five minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers around the side of the screen to see the doctor sitting behind his desk, his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself. “Hey!” shouted the woman, “I thought you said you were a pervert?”

“Oh I am,” said the doctor, “I’ve just shit in your handbag!”

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer, the manufacturer, is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society…

LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury, and Presidential Strength versions.

DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be determined: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store’s return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into “special prosecutors.”

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”The man replied, “Just doing what you said Doctor, ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful’.”The Doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.”

There was a woman who was burned out on her husband’s lack of
affection, so she went to the doctor to see if he could do
anything about it.

“Here.” He said, handing her a bottle of pills, “Try this–slip
one in his coffee and see what happens.”

So, she went home. That evening while her husband sat and read
the newspaper, she poured him a steaming hot cup of coffee, and
slipped a pill into it.

She was so satisfied with the result, that over the weeks, she
added more pills until she finally just dumped the rest of the
bottle into his coffee.

The next day, the doctor decided to call and check up on her and
her husband. Their son answered.

“Hey there, I was just calling to check on your parents. How are
they?” The doctor said.

“Well,” The boy began, “My mom’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my
ass hurts, the dog ran away, and my dad’s out in the front yard
naked, screaming, ‘here kitty kitty!'”

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

There once was a very distraught woman, who was upset because she had not had
a date in quite some time. She decided she would seek the medical expertise of
Dr. Kayoto, the very well-known Japanese sex therapist. After stepping into his
office and explaining her problem, he asked her to take off all her clothes.
“Now,” he said. “Get down and craw reery reery srory to odder side of room.”
The woman did.
“Now,” he said. “Now craw reery reery fass back to me.” The woman did. The Dr.
looked at her mournfully and said “I very sully. Your problem very bad, you have
Ed Zachery Disease.”
“Ed Zachery Disease? What’s that?”
“Very sad. It’s when your face rook Ed Zachery rike your ass.”

A man went to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.”When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can’t tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won’t dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar.””Thanks doc, I’ll try it.” And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.”What? My recommendation didn’t work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!” answered the doctor.”Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction,” replied the patient.”What is that supposed to mean?” demanded the doctor.”Well, I don’t smoke cigars anymore, but now I can’t go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt.”