Instructions Explained

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.

I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it…half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and believe me, Mister, I told her!”

What the Doctor Really means

What the Doctor says
What the Doctor REALLY means
“This should be taken care of right away.”
“I’d planned a trip to Kenya next month but this is so easy and profitable
that I want to fix it before it cures itself.”
“We’ll see.”
“First I have to check my malpractice insurance.”
“Let me check your medical history.”
“I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time
with you.”
“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
“I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.”
“I really can’t recommend seeing a chiropractor.”
“I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.”
“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”
“I haven’t the faintest idea of what to do, but I’m trying to appear
thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.”
“We have some good news and some bad news.”
“The good news is that I’m going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is that
you’re going to pay for it.”
“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
“I have a 40% interest in the lab.”
“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
“He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune.”
“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
“I’m writing a paper and would like to use you as a guinea pig.”
“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
“I don’t know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.”
“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
“I think I’m going to throw up.”
“This may hurt a little.”
“Last week two patients bit through their tongues.”
“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we?”
“I can’t remember your name, nor why you’re here.”
“Everything seems to be normal.”
“I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.”
“I’d like to run some more tests.”
“I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this
one.”
“Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
“I think you are crazy and I hope to find a psychiatrist who will split
fees.”
“There is a lot of that going around.”
“My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about
this.”

Creative Sex!

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

“Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony.
Why don’t you try ‘playing doctor’ for an hour? That’s what I do,” said Irving.

“Sounds great,” Morris replied, “but how do you make it last for an hour?”

“That’s easy…just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!”

Ghost

Robert a 70 year old man was unable to take a crap for many days
so he decided to go to the hospital to talk to a doctor. Waiting
in the room the nurse comes in to take his vitals, the nurse
asked him, “Sir what seems to be the problem?” Robert says,
“Well I’m having a hard time taking a crap and I have tried
everything and I don’t know what else to do.” The nurse says,
“Well you’re in the right place. We’ll take care of you.” The
doctor comes in and asks him as well, “So, what’s the problem?”
Robert says, “I can’t take a crap. I need help.” “Well we will
take care of this!! Nurse, prepare for a enema.” Says the
doctor. The doctor leaves and the nurse prepares to get things
together. The nurse says to Robert, “Now sir you need to lay on
your side and relax while I insert this. It will be a little
cold at first.” Robert prepares for the cold shock by holding on
to the side rail.

Making faces and moaning he begins to tell the nurse, “What the
hell are you doing down there!!” “We’re just about finished,”
said the nurse, “But now I have to tell you that you’ll need to
hold this in as much as you can. I have to run and get a bed pan
for you. If you go before I come back I’ll get in trouble
because the doctor does not like it for us to leave. But someone
forgot to leave a clean bedpan in here. I’ll be right back.” The
nurse said. While she was gone Robert kept his butt cheeks very
tight trying to hold it in, wondering where the nurse is, he
begun to squirm and roll around, and then all of a sudden he LET
GO and crapped all over the bed and himself. It was a mess!!
Remembering what the nurse said he rushed to clean it up and
taking the soiled bedclothes and gown off and wondering where to
hide it.

Hearing the nurse coming closer he threw them out the window!
But while he was throwing them out the window a poor old man was
taking a very nice walk, and all of a sudden the soiled
bedclothes landed on him. He screamed and ran back home with
crap all over him. He rushes into his home. His wife ran to him
and asked him, “What the hell happened to you?!” The husband says
to her, “I don’t know but I think I just beat the crap out of a
ghost!!”

Medical Terminnology

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do. When the examination was
complete he said, “Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English
what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English, you’re just lazy,” the doctor replied.

“Okay,” the man said. “Now give me the medical term so I can
tell my wife.”

Gay Frank Visits the Doctor

NOTE: If you are sensitive to homosexual-natured jokes, do not read further.
Gay Frank goes into the doctor’s office and has some tests run. The doctor
comes back and says, “Frank, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have
AIDS.”
Frank is devastated. “Doc, what can I do?”
The doctor says “I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a
head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers,
40 walnuts and peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a
gallon of prune juice.”
Frank asks, “Will that cure me, Doc?”
“No, but it will teach you what your ass is for.”