Category: medical

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a bridge.
Doctor: What’s comes over you?
Patient: 2 trucks, 4 vans and 8 cars

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.

After the intimate session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon”. She confirms and asks how he knew.

“Easy, you’re always washing your hands.”

She then says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.”

Male doctor: “Wow, how did you guess?”

Female doctor: “I didn’t feel a thing!”

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I’m not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Not really – I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.
Then you’ll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m God!
Doc: When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the…

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doc: I never make rash promises!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a frog!
Doc: So what’s wrong with that?
I think I’m going to croak!

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a
little practice in before the final exams.

He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the
sheet covering the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the
corpse’s rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out,
and to his surprise, music began playing “On the road again… Just can’t
wait to get on the road again…”

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music
stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the medical examiner over
to the corpse.

“Look at this. This is really something!” the student told the examiner as
he pulled the cork back out again.

“On the road again… Just can’t wait to get on the road again…”

“So what?”, the medical examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the
student’s discovery.

“But isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?” asked the
student.

“Are you kidding?” replied the examiner, “Any asshole can sing country
music.”

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and
International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who
introduces the story swears it’s true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was
under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing
thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an
appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor
with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI
because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You’re an FBI agent?

Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We
have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance
to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring
the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front
doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don’t think so.

A mute guy is walking down the street and he meets his mute
friend who suddenly starts speaking to him. Amazed, the mute guy
signals his talking friend asking how was he able to talk.

His friend happily tells him that he went to a doctor who healed
him in only 27 days. The mute guy asks for directions and runs
to the doctor to get healed.

He runs in and signals the doctor that he wants to be able to
speak. The doctor says, “Okay, you will learn in 27 days but you
must pay $2000 in advance.” The guy gives him his credit card
without any hesitation.

Then the doctor says, “Drop your pants.” The guy gets undressed.
The doctor then says, “Now, bend over.” The guy, reluctant to
the doctors command, signals, “NO!” and starts to get dressed.
The doctor says, “Well, I guess you won’t learn how to speak
then.” The mute guy pauses and decides to accept, dropping his
pants and bending over.

The doctor walks behind him towards the end on the room, grabs a
broom and runs back at him jamming the broom up the guys ass.
The guy screams, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!”

Then the doctor says, “Good! Come back tomorrow and I’ll show
you the letter B.”

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, “Dan, I have some good news and some bad news.”Dan said, “Give me the good news.””They’re going to name a disease after you.”

An extremely obese man shows up at his doctor’s office and claims that he’s tried every possible way to lose weight, to no avail. So the doctor proposes a radical diet: rectal feeding. Reassuring the fattie that he won’t starve to death, the doctor explains that he can actually take in enough nutrients through the rectal walls to sustain life, but that he’s sure to lose weight in the process.
Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment, and he’s down from 360 to a trim 175 pounds. The doctor shows him into his office and asks him how he’s feeling, noticing that he’s bouncing up and down in his seat quite energetically. “I’m feeling great, doc; never felt better” is the reply.

“In that case, why are you bouncing up and down like that?” asked the doctor.

“Just chewing some gum!”

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of
drugs oriented toward improving the performance of men in
today’s society. Here’s a list of what’s on the drawing board:

DIRECTRA: A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car
trips caused 72 percent of them to stop to ask directions when
they got lost, compared to 0.2 percent of a control group.

PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more
likely to actually finish a household repair project before
starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA: Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming
urge to perform more child care tasks – especially cleaning up
spills and “little accidents.”

COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
who were given this drug noticed that their wives had a new
hairstyle. It is currently being tested to see if its effects
extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA: Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden
urge to buy their sweethearts expensive jewelry and gifts after
taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: Whether
the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite
store’s return period.

NEGA-VIAGRA: Has the opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. Presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA: This drug had the strange effect of making men
want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with
other family members.

FLATULAGRA: This complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal
gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be
doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA: This drug has been showing great promise in treating
men with O.F.D. (Open Fly disorder). Especially useful for men
on Viagra.

PRYAGRA: About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in
the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal
affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three
test subjects into “special prosecutors.”

LIAGRA: This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being
asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular,
Grand Jury, and Presidential Strength versions.

1. A guy walks into a doctors office and says, doc, it hurts
every time I move my arm like this. The doctor says, dont move
your arm like that.

Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.Doctor: Oh, really?Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for his medical boards, so he wasn’t in the least fazed by the question: “Name the three advantages of breast milk.”

Quickly he wrote:

1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child.

2. As it is contained within the mother’s body, it is protected from germs and helps develop the child’s immune system.

Then Leonard was stumped. Sitting back and racking his brain until he’d broken into a sweat, he finally scribbled:

3. It comes in such nice containers.