What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
They both have wet noses!
Category: medical
Where’s My Pen
A doctor pulls out a thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it and says, “Shit, some asshole has my pen!!!”
Adjust the Chair
A lady goes to the dentist. In the chair, the dentist notices a little brown spot on one of her teeth.
“Aha, cavity! I’ll have to drill this one out!” says the dentist. “Oh no, I’d rather have a child!!!” cries the lady.
“In that case, I will have to adjust the chair first” replies the dentist.
A Cheap HMO …
10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor’s office include, “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is “An apple a day.”
5. Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges” is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.
1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Aids or Alzheimers?
A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor’s office.
After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it’s one of two things.
The Doc says, “Well, it’s either Alzheimers disease or AIDS.”
“What do you mean!” The guy says, “Can’t you tell the difference?”
“Well, says the Doc, the two look a lot alike in the early stages… Tell you what ya do…Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, – don’t have sex with her anymore!”
I never could before
“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course…”
“Great! I never could before!”
pharmacy
a guy walks into a pharmacy and asked the feamle pharmacist if
he could speak with a male pharmacist. the female then replies
there are no males here just me and my sister. he says well it
is an embarassing problem i would like to tell a man. after
while the female finally talks him into telling her. he says i
have a problem with my penis. she then says well drop your pants
and show me. he does so and his penis was bout 12 inches
long,and swolen 3 times its regulars size. the man then asks the
pharmacist”what can ya give me for it” she tells the man to hold
on and walks to the back of the building. about five minutes
later she returns and says”i just got off the phone with my
sister.” “we can give ya 10,000 dollars and the pharmacy.
Drugs have a generic name.
Generic Drug Names:
Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, Penicillin is Amoxycillin.
So what’s the generic name for viagra?
Mydixadroopin
Gynecologist
I considered being a Gynecologist.
But there were no openings……..
The Top 15 Other Benefits of Smoking Pot
15> Gets babes so wasted that even geeky research scientists have a shot at scoring.
14> Combats hyperactivity. Or activity, for that matter.
13> Even decades after episodic non-inhalatory usage, subject is inspired towards adventurous sexual encounters and visions of bridges to the 21st century.
12> Share quality time with your children, because Pokemon cartoons become fun for the WHOLE family!
11> Constant giggling is great for the abs.
10> Magically renders sports slo-mo replays indistinguishable from the original.
9> Enables Frito-Lay stockholders to purchase much nicer cars and homes.
8> Relative harmlessness of a cool, mellow buzz allows an ex-stoner to take the moral high ground during presidential debates against an ex-cokehead.
7> *Really* pisses off Nancy Reagan.
6> Transforms complete noise into beautiful, enchanting music (Grateful Dead fans only).
5> Drastically reduces your risk of becoming a Supreme Court Judge.
4> Allows for long enlightening chats with Isaac Asimov on the wonders of the universe — even though he’s dead.
3> Expiration dates on household food items rendered instantly meaningless.
2> Almost makes “Saturday Night Live” funny again!
1> Without pot: $10,000 home entertainment system with 50″ high-definition TV, 12 speakers and THX Surround-Sound.With pot: $20 lava lamp.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]Good News and Bad News
A man walks into the doctors office and says, “Do you have the results from yesterday’s check-up?”
The doctor replies, “You better sit down”, as he calls in the nurse to bring him his cart. The nurse walks in and shuts the door.
“What is it doc?”
The doctor replies, “Well I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want first?”
The man says, “Hit me with the bad news.”
The doctor says, “You have three days to live.”
“Well then, what is the good news?”
“See the nurse with the big tits over there?”
“Yea…” says the man.
The doctor says, “I’m fucking her.”
Mrs. Berkowitz
Mrs. Berkowitz was bemoaning life in general to her long-suffering husband.
She was extremely worried because their son, Issy, had been to see an eminent
Psychiatrist who had diagnosed him as having an Oedipus complex.
“Oedipus-Schmoedipus!! What does it matter,” answered the husband, “As long as
he loves his Mother.”