Category: medical

There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.

She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.

She asked Dr. Chang, “Doctor, please help me find out what’s wrong with me!”

So Dr. Chang said, “Take off all yu cwothes.” So she did.
Then he said, “Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me.” So the young lady did.

Dr. Chang looked at her said, “I know what wong with yu…
Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!”

The lady asked, “What the heck is that?!”

Dr. Chang replied, “Dat’s wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt”!

Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God!

hi may nam is safa

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling
articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole
individual for an offense committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s
arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The
defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb,
laid it on the bench, and walked out.

These are doctors’ notes on patients’ charts: (Actual notes- unedited!)
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared
completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began
seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another
hospital.
11. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband,I thought you might like
to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent
home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.(Ouch!)
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until
she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on
the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.

How NOT to behave in your Doctor’s Office —————————————–OK, We all go the doctor for our aches, pains worries and some of us just to have someone to listen to our problems. Guess What, doctors are human too, so here are is a guide of what to do and not to do Code of Ethical Patient Behavior (The Patient’s ‘HYPOCRATIC’ Code’)1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT They’ve already heard it before. Just sit back and take the pain2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES If you make your doctors unhappy, they might just make a slip with the needle as they are inserting it into your butt.3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. It wouldn’t look to good if you are smiling when the medical books indicate you should be wincing4. IT’S STILL SEXUAL HARRASSMENT Even if you’re babes, your sustained and repeated come-ons to pay in ‘trade’ are still harrassment.5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING Hey, 4 years of medical school, 4 – 7 years in residency and another one or two in fellowships have already made it impossible for your doctorto speak normal English anyway.6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest, and you might even become famous in a medical textbook, or if you really complain enough, have a procedure named after you.7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY See #2, Keep you doctor happy..8. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR’S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE Really bad form9. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR SMELLING LIKE THAT… YES WE DO SMELL YOU… TAKE A BATH Your treatment room can’t be used for others for the rest of the day and you almost killed the doctor.10. FARTING IS NOT ‘NATURAL AND ORDINARY’ JUST CAUSE YOU’RE WITH A DOCTOR You may likely be told you need a referral to a ‘specialist’ . 11. IT TURNS OUT THE NURSES DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU It’s a shame but true…

A man sees a growth coming out from the center of his forehead and consults
with a specialist who tells him he has a rare genetic disorder and what’s
happening to him is that a penis is growing out of his head. He is told that his
life is not in danger, but it’s inoperable due to its extensive root system. He
is told to wear a hat and that it could be a whole lot worse.
“How can you say that? Every morning when I comb my hair or shave, I’m going
to see a dick sticking out of my forehead. Do you know what that’s gonna do to
my ego?”
“You won’t see anything,” the doctor says. “Your balls will be in your eyes.”

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

IF DR SEUSS WROTE AN EPISODE OF ER – –

Kerry: Now Mark, I think this ER’s great,
But. . . there are problems that can’t wait!
Now Benton’s fine, and Carter too,
But Ross and Susan just won’t do!
Now who do you think that we should hire,
Since both of them today I’ll fire?

Mark: Kerry, maybe we should wait and see. . .
Kerry: That’s great Mark! I knew you would agree. . .

Jerry: Dr. Weaver? Sorry to interrupt. . .
But the paramedics just pulled up.

Mark: Ok, I’m here. What have you got?

Shep: This little boy has just been shot!
His pulse is faint, his breath is weak.
We did all we could to stop the leak.

Riley: And this woman here, she has a broken hip. . .

Carol: How did she fall? How did she trip?

Shep: The kid’s mom was getting in my hair,
So I shoved her–lightly–down some stairs.

Mark: Benton, Kerry! Take the mom to three!
Doug and Susan! Come with me!

Riley: But wait, but wait! Oh don’t you see?
We’ve got some more; one, two, and three.

Kerry: You’ve got three more? How can this be?
Explain it, tell it all to me!

Riley: Well, Shep was driving. Really fast.
A light turned red. Shep hit the gas.
We hit a car, it hit two more.
Soon the total rose by four.
Another bang! Another crash!
But we couldn’t stay, we had to dash!
We grabbed these three but I am sure,
The injured totaled sixty score!

Carter: These people really are a mess!
Their injuries I cannot guess!
It makes me sick, my knees are weak,
A toilet I must soon go seek. . .

Benton: It’s ok Carter! Stay on your toes!
It doesn’t get worse than this you know!
To Trauma four let’s take these three.
You can do it, come with me!

Green: Ok, let’s get this boy on the table.
To save his life if we are able!

Haleh: Dr. Green! This boy is cyanotic!
I can’t find a pulse. . . oh, wait I’ve got it!
But it is weak! Oh, woe is us!

Doug: Give him saline! IV push!
CBC, chem 7, stat!
We will save him, bet on that!
Oh no, he’s showing poor perfusion!
Lydia, start a blood transfusion!

Lydia: But Dr. Ross, I hate to say.
The blood bank didn’t come today!
We’re out of blood, I can’t believe!

Doug: Here, use mine! (rolls up his sleeve)

Kerry: We need some help! There’s been a crash!
Someone’s heart stopped with a flash!
But Dr. Benton saved the day,
And Carter’s going to be ok.

Susan: What can I do, where can I go?
I’m not incompetent you know!
I deserve a chance and with good reason,
I only killed one guy last season!

Mark: It’s fine! It’s done, the kid’s ok.
We’re sending him up on his way.
To surgery he’s off to go,
They must sew up that bullet hole.
But Dr. Ross, he’s out of sorts. . .
We had to take a dozen quarts.

Benton: Ok, we’re done. I did it all.
I used a double breasted suture saw.
I closed them up, I fixed their ills.
I patched their wounds, I gave them pills.
I have their livers in this sack.
I did it all, behind my back.
I need more patients, give me more!
I just cured three, now give me four!

Carter: What happened? Did I miss it all?
I saw some blood. I took a fall.
But it doesn’t matter, we saved the day!

Carol: Get ready! There’s more on the way!

What did the gynocologist say to his wife when he got home?

I’m Bushed!

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.

“She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor. “She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!”

The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.

“Oh my God!”, said the first doctor, “I just realised I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”

1. Cover your stump before you hump.

2. Before you attacker, cover your whacker.

3. Don’t be silly cover your willy.

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.

5. Don’t be a loner, cover your boner.

6. You can’t go wrong when you shield your dong.

7. If you’re not going to sack it go home & whack it.

8. If you think she’s spunky cover your monkey.

9. It will be sweeter if you wrap peter.

10. She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick.

11. If you’re going into heat, package your meat.

12. When your undressing your Venus wrap up your penis.

13. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

14. Never, never deck her, with an unwrapped packet.

15. Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

16. The right selection will protect your erection.

17. Wrap it in oil before you see if she’s boiled.

18. A crank with armor will never harm her.

19. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE.