Category: medical

A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front:

Let me put my tool in your mouth… and on the back: …and I will fill your cavity.

This man is waiting for his wife to deliver his first child. When the doctor comes out of the operating room, he comes up to him and asks to see his wife and baby.

Doctor: I have something to tell you… Your baby has got no legs…
Father: Oh… I guess it’s still my son. Let me see it.

Doctor: He’s got no arms either…
Father: That bad, uh? I have to see it!

Doctor: And he’s got no trunk either… No head… Actually, it’s only an ear…
Father: … He’s still my son, take me to him now.

Then they go in a sterile room where a nurse carries in a cradle with a huge ear in it.

Father: My son!!! Flesh of my flesh!!! Blood of my blood!!!
Doctor: Louder…he’s deaf too!!!

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have; the other thinks you have what he treats.

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth.” The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. “Try these,” he said.

The speaker tried them. “Too loose,” he said. The man then said, “I have another pair…try these.” The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.” The man was not taken back at all. He then said, “I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.”

The speaker said, “They fit perfectly.” With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. “I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”

The man replied, “I’m not a dentist. I’m the local undertaker.”

I was twelve before I realized I could cough without having a doctor hold my balls!

A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, ”Brains
are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.”
”Well, how much does a brain cost?” asked the relatives.
”For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,” replied the
doctor.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men
nodded because they thought they understood. But the patient’s daughter was
unsatisfied and asked, ”Why the difference in price between male brains and
female brains?”
”Standard pricing practice,” said the doctor. ”Women’s brains have to be
marked down because they’ve actually been used.”

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of
his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit
guilty because he thought it wasn’t really ethical to have sex
with one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said, “Lots of other doctors
have sex with their patients so it’s not like you’re the first.”
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still
another voice in his head said, “…but they probably weren’t
veterinarians.”

This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist “Listen, I have 3 girls coming over tonight. I never had 3 girls at once, I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent.”

So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small black cardboard box marked with an “X” and says “Here, if you eat this you’ll go NUTS for 12 hours!”

The guy says “gimmee 3 boxes”.

Same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man’s dick is black blue, the skin’s hanging off in places. The man says “gimmee a bottle of Absorbine Jr.”

To which the pharmacist replies “ABSORBINE JR.? You’re not going to put ABSORBINE JR. on that are you?”

The guy says, “No it’s for my arms, the girls didn’t show up”.

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor’s office. “Doctor,
there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I
can’t get a wink of sleep.”

“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer
full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a
dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”

“Great,” the blond answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan
is no good. I’m more tired than before!”

“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head.
“Those are the strongest pills on the market!”

“That may be true,” answered the blond wearily, “but I’m still up all night
chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to swallow
the pill!”

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers…those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.”

Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson
says, ”I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.”
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ”I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are
numbered.”

Doctor Ahn says, ”I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless,
spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.”

An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about his new hearing aid he got
from the doctor. He said, “This hearing aid is so good that I can hear a pin
drop to the floor 60 feet away.” The friend said, “What kind is it?” The old man
looked at his watch and said, “It’s two thirty.”