Category: medical

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived,
unpacked his tools, did some mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and
handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed “this is ridiculous, I
don’t even make this much money!” The plumber replied, “Neither did I when I was
a doctor”.

Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it really has to want to change.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three
young mothers and their small children. “You all have
obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating.
You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by
the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go.”

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:

1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.
2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don’t like.
5. After everything he says, say, “And how does that make you feel?”
6. Point at random things and say, “Where did you get that?”
7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.
8. Repeat over and over, “I’m not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!”
9. Sit underneath your chair.
10. Stand on your head.
11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.
12. Never stop smiling.
13. Scream every word.
14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc…
15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.
16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.
17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.
18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.
19. Eat his books.
20. Talk to his leg.
21. Don’t face him when he talks to you.
22. Talk really slowly.
23. Try to eat your hand.
24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.
25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.
26. Pretend you hear music.
27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.
28. Pretend to drink.
29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.

The Chief Executive of an HMO died and was very relieved that he got into
heaven. Of course, he had to check out after 48 hours…

After a visit to the doctor, a man returns home and tells his wife he has
approximately six hours left to live. Of course, they go straight to bed and
have some amazing, athletic sex. Half an hour later, the man asks his wife if
they can have sex again. They do, and it’s even more vigorous and ferocious sex.
An hour later, the man asks his wife for sex again, and they have a
ball-busting, rib-breaking round of sex. An hour later, the man wants it again.

“No way,” says the wife. “I have to get up in the morning. You don’t.”

A patient is seeing his psychiatrist for the first time and is undergoing the
Rorschach test. After each ink blot the patient exclaims it is a couple
copulating. The psychiatrist stops the test and exclaims, “You appear to have a
preoccupation with sex.” And the patient replies, “You’re the one showing the
dirty pictures.”

This guy goes to a psychologist. The psychologist shows him an
inkblot and says, “What does this remind you of?” The guy says,
“A naked woman.”

Then he shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question
and the guy says, “A naked woman on a bed.”

Then the psychologist tells to him, “You sick pervert!” The guy
replies, “I’m not a pervert, you are the one who is showing me
all these naughty pictures.”

There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm.

The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask whats the matter, didn’t he like him or somethin’.

The doctor replied, “No, its your ducks at the entrance…
Every time I enter the farm, they insult me!”

�Your immune system attacks a dog crossing your front garden.
�You have delusions of being an emergency doctor.
�The EMS guys think your name is the Coffee Mate.
�You tell the doctors and nurses that you don’t get paid anything to do this
and they look at you like you�re some kind of a freak.
�Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
�The EMS guys refer to you as “the pain in the ass that got in my way when I
was bringing in a code!”
�Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.
�Your favorite colors are green, white and red, even though you are not
Italian.
�Your favorite thing is to take orders from medical students.
�You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over
by a portable X-ray machine.

Following are the top ten marketing slogans being considered for Viagra:

10. Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
9. Viagra, One-a-day, like iron
8. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
7. Viagra, Home of the whopper
6. Viagra, It plumps when you take ’em
5. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. Viagra, Tastes great, more filling
3. Viagra, Ten inches long… and growing.
2. Viagra, We work harder, so you don’t have to

… and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your schlong. This is your schlong on Viagra. Any questions?