Category: medical

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy
intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to
help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the
crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in
first aid.” The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and
prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on
the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m
already here.”

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The
receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a
sign that says “If you catch me, you can screw me.” An hour later, he emerges,
sated and 20 lbs. lighter.
A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him
upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day
later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter.
A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs
again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads “If I catch you, I
screw you.”

one day i was walking and there were 3 children and they were siging is this the way you do it and one said this is the way i like u get it

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

“People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have no one to go to with our own problems.”

“Since we’re all professionals,” another suggests, “why don’t we hear each other out right now?”
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.”

The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”

The third psychiatrist says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”

*** Actual “bloopers” Doctor’s have written on patient charts. ***

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
22. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
23. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
24. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him now. Next.

Patient to the eye doctor: “Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp,
excruciating pain.”
“Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking.”

The Doctor comes out of an examination room and begins to write
a prescription. The Nurse walks by and says, “Excuse me, Doctor,
but you are trying to write with your thermometer.” The Doctor
looks at the thermometer and says, “Darnit! Some asshole has my
pen.”

Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
If you aim it well enough

Doctor speaks to patient who regains consciousness after an amputation.

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Tell me the bad news first.

Doctor : By mistake I cut off your good foot. I’m terribly sorry.

Patient: Oh My God! How can there be good news after that?

Doctor: The foot that we thought was bad, has got better

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in
line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good
each has done in their life.
Doctor: ”I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in
caring for, and healing thousands of poor people.”
St. Peter: ”That’s great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?”

Nurse: ”I’ve supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an
adult.”
St. Peter: ”Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about
you?”
Health Maintenance Organization Director: ”I was the president of a very
large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over
the country.”
St. Peter: ”Oh, I see. Please go in…But you can only stay two nights!”

How can you tell if you have a moron computer operator working for you?
Answer: Find the computer operator using white out on the monitor trying to
erase the mistakes.