Category: medical

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, “I can’t find a cause for your complaint.
Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.”

“In that case,” said the patient, “I’ll come back when you’re sober!”

A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, “Do you smoke or drink?”

“No,” he replied, “I’ve never done either.”

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?” inquired the doctor.

“No, I’ve never done any of those things either.”

“Well then,” said the doctor, “what do you want to live to be a hundred for?”

A brunette asks her blonde if she can lend her some money. The
blonde says, “sure I just got a job”. The brunette says, “what
kind of job”? “Oh, I’m a doctor, I went to the collage FU don’t
you remember”? the blonde answers. “How long did that
take?”asks the brunette. “Oh well, under 4 years!” “how long
under
4 years?” “Only 42 months isn’t that short?”
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The brunette answers,
“I hate to dissapoint you but 42 months kinda equals 4 years”

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet.

One of the psychiatrist asks, “What are you doing?”
She replies, “I’m studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society.”
“Wow, that’s wonderful.”

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, “What are you doing?”
“I’m studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out.”

Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis.

The psychiatrist exclaimed, “My God what are you doing?”

The man replied, “I’m fucking nuts and I’m never getting out of here!”

“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?”
“Not really – I spill most of it!”

The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.

“Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.”

“Well, how much does a brain cost?” asked the relatives.

“For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.”

All the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient’s daughter asked, “Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?”

“A standard pricing practice,” said the head of the team. “Women’s brains have to be marked down because they’re used.”

When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one of her items had
no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and
boomed out for all the store to hear, “Price check on Tampax, super size
please.”
As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store
misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “thumbtacks.”
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom, “Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you
pound in with a hammer?”

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes
were missing. And then he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room. So
now he was completely naked in the halls of the headquarters of the most
powerful military organization on the planet. And he felt pretty ridiculous.
Getting an idea, he walked naked and purposefully through the corridors until he
reached the Research & Development laboratory. He walked in and saluted the Head
Scientist.
“I am here to report the partial success of the personal invisibility
device!”

A guy goes into a doctor office and says, “I think I have a
tapeworm, doctor. I keep eating and eating but I don’t gain any
weight!” The doctor says, “Come see me tomorrow, and bring a
banana, and a cookie.”

So the man buys a banana and a cookie on the way home, and goes
to the doctor the next day. The doctor says to him, “Okay, give
me the banana and the cookie, and pull down your pants.” “Are
you sure?” “Positive.” Grudgingly, he pulls down his pants. The
doctor shoves the banana right up his ass. He waits a few
minutes, and up goes the cookie.

The doctor says, “Okay, now tomorrow, I want you to do the same
thing.” So he does. And this goes on for about a week.

On the second to last day, after treatment, the doctor says,
“For tomorrow, I want you to bring a banana and a hammer.”
Fearing the worst, but wanting to get rid of the tapeworm, the
man does so.

The next day, up goes the banana. The doctor waits a few
minutes, and then out pops a sign that says, “Hey! where’s my
cookie?!” And well, I think you can figure out what the doctor
did with the hammer.

A professor watched while a mechanic removed engine parts from his car to get to the valves. A surgeon, waiting for his car being repaired, walked over to observe the process. After they introduced themselves, they began talking and the talk turned to their lines of work.

“You know, doctor,” the professor said, “I sometimes believe this type of work is complicated as the work we do.”

“Perhaps,” the surgeon replied. “But let’s see him do it when the engine is running!”

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!” “Don’t worry,” he says, “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.” “Who is the third rose from?” she asked “Oh,” says the doctor, “that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!”

John went to Dr. Smith because of intense migraine headaches.

The doctor tried many things, but no relief. Finally, after many visits, the doc sat down and said, “You know, John, why don’t you try something unusual. Why don’t you do something that I always do when I have a headache like that. I phone my wife and tell her I’m coming home; she waits for me in the bedroom, with her blouse off, and I nestle my head between those two beautiful breasts and soon the headache disappears! You ought to try something like that–I don’t know what else to do for you. It wouldn’t hurt.”

“Well I might try something like that,” said John.

A month later, John is back in the clinic, seeing another doctor on another unrelated matter, and he and Dr. Smith pass each other in the hallway. “John!” says the doc, “Haven’t seen you in a while! How’s those headaches?”

“Great! They’re all gone! Thanks for your advice!” said John.

“Hey, that’s fantastic!” said Dr. Smith, walking on down the hallway.

“Say, Doc!” yelled John, down the hall, “Nice place you got there!”