Category: medical

A frantic mother called her pediatrician at two in the morning.”Doctor,” she yelled, “My baby just ate an entire tube of K-Y jelly! What do I do?””Well,” came the response, “if you really can’t wait, call an all-night drugstore.”

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.
This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any
questions. She replies, “I’m a little worried about the pain.
How much will childbirth hurt?”

The doctor answered, “That varies from woman to woman and
pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe
pain.”

“I know, but can’t you give me some idea?” she asks.

“Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”

“Like this?”

“A little more…”

“Like this?”

“No. A little more…”

“Like this?”

“Yes. Does that hurt?”

“A little bit.”

“Now stretch it over your head!”

a proctologist walked into a bank. preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a
rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. realizing
his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, “well that’s
great, just great! some a******’s got my pen!”

Over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: “Don’t sleep
with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “We can help you pick your nose!”

On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve
come to the right place.”

In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I
guess I should see a doctor.” His friend offered, “Don’t do
that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose
anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a
sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem
and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.”

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer,
he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer
started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which
was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his
dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off,
he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug
store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited
the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out
the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is
using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is
pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And
if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get
better.

“You’re in remarkable shape for a man your age,” said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.”I know it,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve really got only one complaint – my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?”The doctor’s mouth dropped open. “Your what?!” he gasped.”My sex drive,” said the old man. “It’s too high, and I’d like to have you lower it if you can.””Lower it?!” exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. “Just what do you consider ‘high’?””These days it seems like it’s all in my head, Doc,” said the old man, “and I’d like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.”

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death’s door due to an infected
gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his
patients are up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent
blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall
as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly
each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and
thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon
was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a
simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. “But doctor, you
don’t understand,” they said, “Dad hasn’t walked in over a year!”

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn’t matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, please try you call again later.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I’m invisible. Psychiatrist: What!…who said that?

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.

Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic, his surgeon comes in and tells him: “Well, I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news for you.”

“Give me the bad news first, Doc.” says the patient. “I’m afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son.” “Oh my god!” the patient cries, breaking into tears. “But the good news,” the doctor adds, “is that we had them biopsied and you’ll be relieved to know that they weren’t malignant!”

There were three ladies at the obstetrician’s office, waiting to see what their results were. When the first young woman came back to the waiting room, she was very happy.

“I’m going to have a boy!” she declared. “The doctor said that if my husband was on top, I would have a boy.”

When the second young woman came back, she was very happy, too. “I’m going to have a girl! The doctor said that if I was on top, I would have a girl.”

Suddenly, the third young woman burst into tears. The other two tried to console her, but all she could say was “I’m going to have a puppy!”

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat
down to explain his problem. “Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem,” the man
said. “I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to
do!”
“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly. “Relax. Come here and
lie down on the couch.”

“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the
furniture.”