Category: medical

A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town. After hearing the man’s symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm. ”Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?” asked the man. ”Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie,” said the doctor. When he saw a puzzled look cross the man’s face, the doctor said, ”Trust me. I’m the doctor.” So, the next day the man brings in the hard boiled egg and the lemon cookie. ”Drop your pants, and bend over,” says the doctor. ”What?” says the man. ”Trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. So, the man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear. ”Whoa! Hold on a minute, Jack!” screams the man. ”Hold still and trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie. ”Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie,” says the doctor. As the infuriated man starts to protest the doctor says, ”Trust me. I’m the doctor.” So, the man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the lemon cookie. ”Drop your pants and bend over,” says the doctor. ”This again?” yells the man. ”Trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. So, the man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear. ”Oh! I can’t believe I’m doing this!” says the man. ”Hold still now and trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie. ”Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with another hard boiled egg and another lemon cookie,” says the doctor. As the man starts to shake his head the doctor says, ”Trust me. I’m the doctor.” So, this goes on all week until one day, after the man pulls up his pants, the doctor says, ”Now come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a hammer.” As the man turns pale the doctor says, ”Trust me. I’m the doctor.” The man gets no sleep that night worried to death about what the hammer is going to feel like when it gets shoved up in him. He almost stays home, but he still feels sick. So far the treatments haven’t helped and he’s afraid he’ll have to start over if he goes to a new doctor. The man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the hammer. ”Drop your pants and bend over,” says the doctor. ”But, why do we need a hammer?” asks the man nervously. ”Trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. The man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear. ”Please!” says the man, terrified of what is to come next. ”Hold still and trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. About a minute later, the man is about to pass out from terror and he is involuntarily clenching his rear as tight as he can. Then nothing happens. Several more minutes pass and he starts to relax. The man is about to straighten up and ask the doctor what happened when the tapeworm sticks its head out his rear and yells, ”Where’s my lemon cookie?!” And WHAM! Down comes the hammer.

A lady says to her doctor, “My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don’t smell anything.”

The doctor examines her, and then says, “You need an operation.”

She says, “On my vagina?”

He says, “No. On your nose.”

Telephone rings at a Doctors residence

Doctor: Hello!

Respondent: Hello doctor, my son has swallowed up a pencil, can you make it urgently to my place?

Doctor: Thats fine, but what will you do till i come?

Respondent: I will use a fountain pen instead.

A renowned heart surgeon in LA died. The funeral was lavish,
with the coffin placed in front of a mammoth heart replica. As
the minister finished with the eulogy, there was barely a dry
eye in the room.

At the end of the service, the heart opened and the coffin
slowly rolled inside. At that moment one of the mourners was
having serious difficulty stifling the giggles. The guy next to
him, a good friend of the deceased asked, “Why are you
laughing?” “I don’t mean any disrespect. I was just thinking
about my own funeral,” the man replied. “What’s so funny about
that?” “I’m a gynecologist!”

Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told
the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn’t home because he was
performing an appendectomy.
“My,” said the census taker, “that sure is a big word for such a little girl.
Do you know what it means?”
“Sure! Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that don�t even include the
anesthesiologist!”

Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients?

Yup, it’s a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country!

A guy who is in the hospital is listening to his doctor. The doctor says Well we have good news and we have bad news.

The guy, being brave, says OK doc, give me the bad news.

The doctor says We are going to have to amputate both your feet.

The man says My GOD! Whats the good news?

The doc replies The man in the next room wants to buy your bedroom slippers

Mr. Clark, I’m afraid I have bad news, the doctor told his anxious patient. You only have six months to live. The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. I can’t possibly pay you in that time. Okay, the doctor said, let’s make it nine months.

Doctors were told to contribute to the construction
of a new wing at the hospital. What did they do?
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling
about it.
The neurologists thought the administration
had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring
under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea
short-sighted.
The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
The pathologists yelled, “over my dead body!”
The pediatricians said, “grow up.”
The proctologists said, “we are in arrears.”
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands
of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to
swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, “this puts a whole
new face on the matter.”
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.
The cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

My doctor is so funny – he keeps me in stiches!!!

A cannibal says to a doctor, “I have terrible heartburn.””What did you eat?” “A couple of missionaries with hooded robes.” “How did you cook them?””Boiled.””No wonder you have heartburn. Those aren’t boilers. They’re friars!”

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife’s been in an accident.

They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.

Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
“Mr. Jones?” the doctor asks.
“Yes sir, what’s happened? How is my wife?”

The doctor sits next to him and says, “Not good news. Your wife’s accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.”
“Oh my God” says Mr. Jones, “what will be her prognosis?”

“Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She’ll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her.”
Mr. Jones begins to sob.

“And you’ll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.”
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

“Then, of course,” the doctor continued, “you’ll have to diaper her as she’ll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day.”
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: “And you’ll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she’ll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I’m afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she’ll be emitting regularly.”
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says –
“Hey, I’m just messinging with you, dude…
You don’t have to do all that stuff – she’s dead!”