Yours Fun Portal !
The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist
gave her the usual “This won’t hurt a bit” routine before
bending over her with a drill in his hand.
He immediately drew back in complete alarm. “Miss,” he said in a
barely audible whisper, “You have a hold of my testicles!”
“Yes, doc, I know,” she smiled, “and we aren’t going to hurt
each other, are we?”
Why is the doctor eating wheaties? because he needs calesterol
12> His gown opens in back, showing nothing but naked flesh.
11> Uses a Ninja Turtles lunch box for a medical bag.
10> Announces he will be using anesthesia — on himself.
9> Diploma reads, “Acme Institute of Home Surgery.”
8> Follows a chart that has a large red arrow saying, “Begin here”.
7> Says the word “oops!” a lot.
6> Two words: “Doogie Howser”
5> Refers to Gray’s Anatomy with alarming frequency.
4> Touches up scalpel with knife sharpener before the incision.
3> Wears Platex Living Gloves to operate because they’re “so thin he can pick up a dime”.
2> Screams, “Prostate check! Ok, Buddy, feet out and spread ’em!”
1> Tells you to take off your clothes, puts on a Sinatra record.
A man working at a lumberyard is pushing a tree through a saw when he
accidentally shears off all then of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room
of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, “Yuck!
Well, give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.”
“I haven’t got the fingers.”
The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? This is the
age of medical advances. We’ve got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible
techniques! Why didn’t you bring me the fingers?”
“Well, heck doc, I tried, but I couldn’t pick ’em up!”
A young, promising medical student decides to specialize in
sexual disorders and goes to visit a facility which has just
accepted him as an intern. One of the resident physicians takes
him on a tour of the hospital.
All of a sudden, they pass a booth with a young man there
masturbating furiously. The intern turning to his superior asks
about the man’s problem.
The resident responds, “Oh, that man has an enormously
over-active sex drive and has to have twenty orgasms a day or he
becomes seriously ill.”
They move on through the hospital and eventually come upon
another man in a booth with his pants down around his ankles and
a beautiful blonde nurse on her knees in front of him lustily
servicing him.
The intern inquiring to this man’s trouble, the resident
replies, “Same problem, better health plan.”
After making love, the woman said the man, “So, you’re a doctor?”
“That’s right,” replied the doctor smugly. “Betcha don’t know what kind of doctor.”
“Ummm…I’d say that you’re an anesthesiologist.” “Yep, that’s right! Good guess! How did you know?” asked the guy.
“Because throughout the entire procedure, I didn’t feel a thing.”
What did one duck say to the other?
What?
“Social Security!”
I don’t get it.
You won’t till you’re 65…
“Ex-ex-ex-cu-cu-se m-m-me, d-doc, but-but I have th-th-this st-st-stutter problem and I-I-I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could me help m-m-me”, said the patient to the doctor.
“Well, take off your clothes, get into this gown and I will check you over and run some tests”, replies the physician.
“Ummm, I do believe I see the problem” the doctor says after a thorough going over of the man. “Your penis is so large and so heavy, it is actually pulling down your vocal chords. We will need to cut off about six inches to relieve the strain on your throat”
“I-I-I c-c-can’t st-stand th-this st-st-stuttering any longer, it-it-it k-k-keeps from get-getting pretty g-g-girls, so do-do it”
Six months later the patient returns to the doctors office with another complaint, “Doc, the operation was a great success, I can pick up all the pretty girls now, but the sex is terrible, please put back those six inches you removed”
Doctor: “F-f-f-fuck off!”
– Hospital diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
– Never look happy in front of your doctor, he will know you
have done something wrong.
– Never go to a doctor if his house plants have died.
– Many people suffer poor health, not because of what they eat
but from what is eating them.
– An apple a day will keep the doctor away; an onion a day will
keep everyone away.
– Happiness is when your doctor tells you to gain 10 pounds.
– Why do nurses wake me up to give me a sleeping pill?
– If you think time heals everything, try sitting it out in a
doctor’s office.
– My doctor answers all the questions, but my wife questions
all the answers.
– Eat, exercise, die anyway!
– The secret of good health is to start doing what you should
have been doing 30 years ago.
– Women don’t live longer, it’s just men that die sooner.
– Cancer cures smoking.
– If men are God’s gift to women, then God must really love gag
gifts.
– When the doctor gives you one of those skimpy gowns, you know
that the end is in sight.
Jim was in a terrible wreck. He was taken to the hospital where he remained comatose for two weeks and when he awake he was ravenous. Finding the call button he rang for the nurse and asked if he could have something to eat.
She told him, “You have a broken jaw and it is wired shut. I can’t think of anything that you could eat in that condition.”
“Well, could I ‘pwease’ have a cup of coffee?” Jim asked through clenched jaw.
“We’ll try,” the nurse told him. “Maybe we can get a straw between your teeth.”
But try as they would, it just wouldn’t go. Jim grumbled and moaned and swore he was going to die without coffee until the nurse finally said, “Maybe we could give it to you in an enema”
She fixed up the syringe and began to administer it when suddenly Jim winced and drew up.
“Is it too hot?” the nurse asked.
“No, but could you put some sugar in it?!”
Jon’s working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz
saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes
to the emergency room.
The doctor says, “Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I’ll see
what I can do.”
Jon says, “I haven’t got the fingers.”
The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers?
It’s 1998. We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible
techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new.
Why didn’t you bring the fingers?”
Jon says, “Well, shit, Doc, I couldn’t pick ’em up.”
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”