Category: medical

None.
They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working
a bit better the next time they see it.

A young mother was having a consultation with a doctor. As they spoke, her
Little Johnny could clearly be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room
– yet she made no attempt to restrain him.
Soon they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did
nothing. Finally, after an extra-loud crash, the woman casually told the doctor,
“I hope you don’t mind my Little Johnny playing in there.”

“No, not at all,” said the doctor calmly. “I’m sure he’ll calm down as soon as
he finds the poison.”

A man is at work when he gets a telephone call from a doctor,
the doctor says that his wife has been in a terrible car
accident, and she has been completly crippled. He said that
from now on the husband would have to do everything for her. He
said from now on your going to have to feed her, bathe her,
change her clothes and diapers, your going to have to give her
her medication, your going to have to assist her in going to the
bathroom. The man said thats awful! Then the doctor chuckled.
“Whats so funny?” asked the man. The doctor said “haha i was
just fucking with you…….shes dead!”

Getting prepared for plastic surgery on his male member his
doctor asks, “I can’t help but be curious. What happened to you?
You’re a mess.” “Well, it’s like this doc, I live in a trailer
park and my next door neighbor is a woman who is built like a
brick shit house. Every night she takes a wiener out of the
fridge puts it in a hole in the floor and masturbates on it.

I was thinking that this is a real waste of pussy! So I got the
bright idea to get under her trailer, remove the wiener and
replaced it with my dick. All was going well until someone
knocked on her door and she tried to kick it under the stove!”

A lady went to the dentist for a toothache. When he examined the
tooth, he informed her that she needed a root canal done. She
said that she would rather have a baby than a root canal. He
said to make up her mind, the chair is adjustable.

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.2. Be cheerful at all times.Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.10. Never die while in your doctor’s presence or under his direct care.This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

13. Its clever name? “Whatevercare”

12. Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento.

11. Anesthesia? Your choices: Whiskey, a bullet to bite on, or a Louisville Slugger to the head.

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

9. “Chemotherapy” machine lookes suspiciously like a tanning bed.

8. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

7. “Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?”

6. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.

5. “Take two leeches and call me in the morning.”

4. No X-ray machine, but each doctor is issued a pair of “X-ray specs.”

3. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

2. Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow’s doorstep.

1. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.

[ This list copyright by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List ]

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend
suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything
quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
”Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your
problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured
he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the
drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You
have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be
better in two weeks.”
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how
it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine
could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog
and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into
the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in
the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and
printed out the following message:
“Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him
vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if
you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”

“Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia? I’ve heard once about a
doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.”
“Don’t worry, it won’t happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will
die of pneumonia.”

There was a successful doctor who had an office in a small Midwestern town. He
decided that he wasn’t happy with his life and needed a change, so he went and
got himself a sex change operation.
A couple of weeks later he returned to his practice. His secretary wondered
why it took him so long to return. ‘Well, it hurt a lot more than I thought it
would.’
Then she asked him, ‘What part hurt the most? Was it when they cut off your
penis or when they pumped you full of air to make your breasts that big?’
He said ‘Well, that hurt, but not bad enough to keep me at home for so long.
What hurt the most was when they drilled a hole in my head and pumped out half
of my brains!’

9. Explains the rustling sound in the background as him going into his little black bag. The truth: brown paper bag and Mad Dog 20/20.

8. Photographic evidence of her home gynecological exam is all over the internet.

7. “Bilirubin? Didn’t he sing with the Beatles???”

6. Backs up all his pharmacological advice with references to Cheech & Chong.

5. Most recommended cures involve chants, candles and fresh chicken blood.

4. After administering medicine she asks, “did I say that was oral or anal?”

3. Tries to use the show to plug his panacea, “Crackicillin.”

2. Just introduced a new line of home colonoscopy and prostate surgery kits.

1. Insists that your heart bypass operation will go well as long as the surgeon doesn’t trigger the red nose light and buzzer.

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]