A husband and wife were expecting their first child while stationed in Corpus Christi, TX. They were at their first OB/GYN exam with an old crusty Doc that was probably delivering babies in the Alamo. Nice guy, but seen it all, heard it all a million times. The husband was stuttering around searching for the right words to ask when they ‘should stop….you know…..relations?’The Doc’s answer: ‘Sonny, as long as you don’t get in my way in the delivery room, I don’t care!’
Category: medical
Potency Plus
This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
“Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had
three girls at once, and I need something to keep me
horny…keep me potent.”
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom
drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with an “X”
and says, “Here, if you eat this, you’ll go NUTS for 12 hours!”
The guy says, “Gimme 3 boxes.”
The next day, the same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right
up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The
pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man’s penis is
black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
The man says, “Gimme a bottle of BenGay.”
The pharmacist replies, “BENGAY?!?!?! You’re not going to put
BenGay on that are you?”
The guy says, “No, it’s for my arms, the girls didn’t show up!”
Viagra Helps With Sunburns
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets
horrible sunburn.
horrible sunburn.
He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second degree burns.
diagnosed with second degree burns.
He was already starting to blister and in agony.
The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline
and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, said, “What good will Viagra do him?”
The doctor replied, “It’ll keep the sheets off his legs.”
Hard Transplant
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
“Excuse me,” he said, “have you lost something?”
“No,” replied one of the doctors. “We’re doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.”
Health FAQ
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to “spot” for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?
A: “Spotting” for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It’s an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you’re going in, you probably ought to re-evaluate your exercise program.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain.
Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you’ll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about trying to live a longer and healthier life…
A male adolescent
The most non-emergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a
complaint of belly button lint.
The American and the Frenchman
An American, wearing Bermuda shorts, T-shirt, and a baseball cap, walks into a
caf�, chewing on gum. He sits next to this French guy who is trying to enjoy his
breakfast and is not in the mood for small talk.
The American, aware of the Frenchman’s mood, tries to be smart. He sees the
man eating a roll with jelly and decides to remark on that.
“You French people eat the entire roll of bread?!” he says in an astonished
tone.
“Yes,” replies the Frenchman and resumes eating.
“Not us,” says the American. “We only eat the inside and then throw the crust
in a container, process it and sell it to the French as croissants.”
The Frenchman calmly ignores him and continues to eat.
“Eww…” says the American, “You eat your bread with that jelly?”
“Yes,” says the Frenchman.
“Not us,” says the American, “We only eat fresh fruits. Then we throw the peal
in a container, process it and sell it to the French as jelly.”
“Really?” says the Frenchman, “And what do you do with your used condoms?”
Taken aback, the American says, “Uhh… we just throw them away.”
“Not us,” said the Frenchman, “We throw them in a container, process them, and
sell it as gum to the Americans.”
Pills
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, “Here’s a pill for English literature.”
The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
“What else do you have?” asks the student.
“Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?”
The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment,” goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.
“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, “Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow.”
People are ignoring me
A patient walks into a doctor’s office.Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.Doctor: Next!
Furniture Disease
Matt went into Doc Steven’s office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked
if there was anything unusual he should know about. That left it pretty wide
open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must have
shrunk just sitting in his closet, because it didn’t fit when he went to get
ready for a wedding recently.
The Doc said, “Suits don’t shrink just sittin’ there. You probably just put on
a few pounds, Matt.”
“That’s just it, Doc, I know I haven’t gained a single pound since the last
time I wore it.”
“Well, then,” said Doc, “You must have a case of Furniture Disease.”
“What in the world is Furniture Disease?”
“Furniture Disease is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts
sliding down into your drawers.”
Alzheimer Disease
One day a guy named Bill walked over to his friend George’s
house, who lived across the street from him, to see how he was
doing (A couple of years ago George was diagnosed with
Alzheimer’s disease and Bill would visit him almost everyday to
check up on him and his wife, Rose).
As Bill was walking up the driveway he noticed George getting in
his car with his wife. He asked him where they were going and
George said, “We’re going to the doctor’s office so he can help
me remember.” Bill then asks, “How does the doctor help you
remember?” George then replies, “By using word association.”
“Really! It sounds like the doctor knows what he doing. What’s
his name?” Bill asks. “Lets see now…green green….grass,
grass…trees, trees…flowers, flowers, rose!! Thats it! Hey
Rose whats the doctors name?”
An optometrist
An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer: “As
you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say ‘$75…’ If
he doesn’t blink, say, ‘For the frames. The lenses will be an additional $50…�
If he still doesn’t blink, you add ‘…Each.�”