Category: medical

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!Nurse: What is it?Doctor: It’s a big building with a lot of doctors, but that’s not important now!

Little Johnny was playing with his father’s wallet when he accidently
swallowed a quarter. He went crying to him mom, choking on the quarter. They
took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without
surgery; they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a
man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny
upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure
enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said �You must
be an expert!� The man replied, �No sir I’m just a tax collector.�

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, “I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?”Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.Patient: That’s terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?Doctor: You also have Alzheimer’s. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what�s the problem?”

The mother says, “It�s my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings,
she�s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and
says, “Well, I don�t know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant –
about 4 months would be my guess.”

The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can�t be, she has never ever been left
alone with a man! Have you Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I�ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something
wrong out there doctor?”

The doctor replies, “No, not really, it�s just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came
over the hill. I�ll be darned if I�m going to miss it this time!”

Four nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for, whom they all felt was an arrogant jerk. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said, “I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn’t hear.”

The second nurse said, “I let the mercury out of his thermometers and painted them all to read 106 degrees.”

The third nurse said, “Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all of the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer.”

The fourth nurse fainted.

A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the
baby and suddenly the baby says, �Are you my daddy?� The doctor is shocked and
goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, �Are
you my daddy?� The doctor says, �No, I’m not your father.�
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked,
�Are you my daddy?� And the father says, �Yes, I am!� So, the baby pops out of
the mother’s womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head
while saying, �How do you like that?! How do you like that?!�

Joining a new company, a guy had to take a physical with the company doctor.All the tests came out fine but, after a brief hesitation, the doctor noted that he had the smallest penis he’d ever seen. “Tell me,” he said, “Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?””No,” he said. “I’ve got a great wife, three kids, and a normal sex life. I guess the only problem I ever have is finding it when I need to urinate.””And yet you still have a normal sex life?””That’s not a problem,” he said, “because there’s TWO of us looking for it then.”

What can a duck do that a doctor won’t?

Stick his bill up his ass!

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can’t remember anything!Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?Patient: What problem?A variationDoctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?Patient: What pills?

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he
noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in
the whole event. The man thought to himself, “Great, he’s four years old and I’m
gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun.
I guess I’ll let him ask and then I’ll answer.”
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son,
do you have any questions?”
“Just one,” gasped the wide-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf going when he
hit that cow?”

A woman was not feeling well, so she visited her doctor. The good doctor, after giving her a thorough examination, said grimly, “Mrs Goode, I am sorry to have to say this, but if you want to get well again you would have to lose a foot.”

“What!?! You mean my foot has to be amputated?”

“Oh, no, no…”replied the good doctor, “I mean you have to lose 12 inches from around your waistline!”

yo mama so fat when she went to the doctors they had to use a time capsule to find her ass