With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
oriented towards improving the
performance of men in today’s society.
DIRECTRA – A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused
72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost, compared
to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.
PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair
project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to
perform more child-care tasks-especially cleaning up spills and little
accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered
this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested
to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a
sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking
this drug for only two days. Still to be seen:
whether the drug can be continued for a period longer thanyour favorites
store’s return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra.
Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S.
presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn
off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
CAPAGRA – Caused test subjects to become
uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing
toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.
PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test
group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.
LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked
about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and
Presidential Strength versions.
Category: medical
The Ghost
A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of
the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several
false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another
and stayed put. He then filled his bed with human waste and was
embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face.
Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was
walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cussing, and swinging his arms wildly which
left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security
guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked,
“What the hell was that all about?” Still staring down, the
drunk replied, “I just beat the crap out of a ghost!”
Nurse’s Protection
Q: Why did the nurse have a long pole and two rubber gloves?
A: Her way of not getting pregnant.
Nice Ass
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring
her breasts in the mirror. He asks, “What are you doing?”
She replies, “I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have
the breasts of a 25 year old.”
The husband retorts, “Well, what did he say about your 50
year old ass?”
She replied, “Frankly dear, your name never came up.”
Pregnancy Stamp
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, ”When you can read this, come back and see me.”
Paid By Medicaid
A Soviet emigre boy and girl come to a doctor’s office and say: “Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?”
The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says, “Yes, you’re having sex properly. That will be forty dollars.”
They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day.
On the fifth visit the doctor says, “Why do you keep on coming back?
I told you you’re having sex properly.”
The boy explains, “The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medicaid.”
Suture self
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up
and demands to know what is going on. “I’m about to close,” the surgeon says.
The patient grabs his hand and says, “Oh, no you’re not! I’ll close my own
incision.” The doctor hands him the needle and says, “Suture self.”
The Top 16 Signs Your Doctor’s Degree Is Bogus (Part I)
16> When you get close enough to his diploma, you can actually smell the Cracker Jack.
15> You’re fairly certain no university offers a “Doctor of Bootyology” degree.
14> Regardless of what the diploma says, you’re certain Hellmann’s does not run the Mayo Clinic.
13> Asks you if you’d like fries with your pelvic exam.
12> His latex examination gloves are ribbed for added pleasure.
11> His framed “degree” looks suspiciously like Motley Crue’s “Dr. Feelgood” album cover.
10> Dr. Harrelson prescribes medicinal marijuana for your ingrown toenail.
9> Pre-warms the proctoscope? Check.
Delicately lubes his latex-gloved hand? Check.
Puts on some Old Spice and fires up a Barry White CD? Uh-oh.
8> “Let’s mix things up a little. How about you grab *me*, and *I’ll* turn my head and cough?”
7> Prior to the exam, he connects a red light bulb to your nose “to tell me if I’m doing something wrong.”
6> He says that the best way to do your heart bypass surgery is to go through your stomach, “you know, because of that saying.”
5> You somehow doubt all his hype about the growing field of “Xtreme Gynecology.”
4> This may be the only clinic your HMO covers, but you’re pretty sure what your doctor is doing isn’t the “reasonable and customary” way to perform an artificial insemination.
3> Employs the services of his pets, Fluffy and Rover, for your cat scan and lab work.
2> You’re pretty sure the American Academy of Dermatology doesn’t really sponsor his Pimple Squeezin’ Olympics.
1> He introduces himself by saying, “I AM DR. CLEMENT OKON OF NIGERIA. FIRST, I MUST SOLICIT YOUR STRICTEST CONFIDENCE IN THIS TRANSACTION.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
At the Pharmacy
Woman: Can I get Viagra here?
Pharmacist: Yes.
Woman: Can I get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, you can.
Checkup
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, “You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?”
She says, “I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.” She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?”
She says, “Well, your name never came up.”
Ten signs you’ve joined a cheap HMO
#10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
#9. Directions to your doctor’s office include, ‘take a left when you enter the trailer park.’
#8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
#7. The only proctologist in the plan is ‘Gus’ from Roto-Rooter.
#6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is ‘an apple a day.’
#5. Your ‘primary care physician’ is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
#4. ‘The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges’ is not a typo.
#3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming fluid.
#2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn’t come in different colors with little ‘m’s on them.
#1. You ask for Viagra; you get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
Carreer move for the gynecologist
A gynecologist decides to quit his job to fufill his life long dream of becoming a mechanic. He decides to take mechanic courses and he does so for a couple of months up until he must take the test. The test consists of taking apart a car’s engine and putting it together perfectly for a score of 200.He does his test and feels confident that he did well.A week later he receives a call,”This is your regarding your test,” The man on the phone says.”Yes, how did I do?””You got 400 over 200″”400 over 200? how did I get that?””You got 100 for taking the motor apart perfectly.””Ok””You got 100 for putting it together perfectly.””So I got a perfect score? How did I get the other extra 200?”The man hesitates and answers, “That’s for doing it all through the muffler!”