Category: medical

An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for his monthly checkup. During
examination, the doctor asks how his nightly incontinence is.
“its fine,” says the old man. “I just get up and go to the bathroom, and God
turns on the light for me.”
The doctor finishes up the examination, and then calls in the daughter to tell
her about the God-light thing.
“Oh, my God!” says the daughter. “He’s been using the fridge again!”

A guy goes to the doctor and says, Hey doc, I need a prescription for Viagra. The doctor says, What do you need it for? The guy pulls out a picture of his wife who is a tad on the UGLY side. The doc replies You want 40mg. or 80.?

Patient: Doctor, you’ve got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what’s wrong with me?

Doctor: Yes… You’re fucking crackers!

A bald man with one leg wanted to go to a fancy dress party but he didn’t know
what to go as. He wrote to a fancy dress company and asked for a recommendation.
The reply came back saying that he could go as a monk because of his bald head.
He replied angrily saying that they were just being rude about his bald head.
The company apologized and wrote back saying that he could go as a pirate, his
bald head could be covered by the hat and his wooden leg would complement the
outfit. He replied angrily saying they were just being rude about his wooden
leg.
A few days later he received a parcel with a note. In the parcel was a pot of
sticky toffee and the note said smear the toffee over your head, stick your
wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple!

Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.”

He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44 long?” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”. “It’s my job.” replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure!”. The salesman eyed Joe then said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.”. Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”. “It’s my job.” came the familiar reply. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. The salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”. Joe was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see, nine-and-a-half?” Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”. “It’s my job.” said the salesman again. Joe tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure, why not.” The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see, size 36.” Joe laughed smugly, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The shocked salesman shook his head, “You can’t possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!”

Alimentary . . . . . . . . . What Holmes said to Watson

Artery. . . . . . . . . . . .Study of Painting

Bacteria. . . . . . . . . . Back door to the cafeteria

Barium. . . . . . . . . . . .What doctors do when treatment fails

Bowel . . . . . . . . . . . .A letter like A, E, I, O, or U

Cesarean Section . . . A district in Rome

Carpal . . . . . . . . . . .Person you ride to work with

Castrate . . . . . . . . . .Market price for setting a fracture

Catheter. . . . . . . . . . .String instruments

Cat Scan. . . . . . . . . . .Searching for kitty

Cauterize . . . . . . . . . .Made eye contact with her

Chiropractor . . . . . . . An Egyptian doctor

Colic . . . . . . . . . . . .A sheep dog

Congenital. . . . . . . . . Friendly

Cystogram . . . . . . . . . A cable sent to your sister

D & C . . . . . . . . . . . .Where the White House is

Denial . . . . . . . . . . . Where Cleopatra used to swim

Dilate. . . . . . . . . . . .To live long

Elixir . . . . . . . . . . . What a dog does to his owner when she gives him a juicy bone

Enema . . . . . . . . . . . .Not a friend

Fester. . . . . . . . . . . .Quicker

Fibula. . . . . . . . . . . .Small lie

Genital . . . . . . . . . . .Non Jewish

G I Series. . . . . . . . . .Soldier baseball

Grippe. . . . . . . . . . . .Suitcase

Hangnail. . . . . . . . . . .Coat hook

High Colonic. . . . . . . . Jewish religious holiday

Impotent. . . . . . . . . . .Distinguished, well known

Inbred . . . . . . . . . . .Best way to eat salami

Labor Pain. . . . . . . . . .Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff . . . . . . . Doctor’s cane

Morbid. . . . . . . . . . . .Higher offer

Nitrate . . . . . . . . . . .Cheaper than the day rate

Outpatient. . . . . . . . . .Person who has fainted

Pap Smear . . . . . . . . . Paternity test

Paradox . . . . . . . . . . .A couple of quacks

Pelvis. . . . . . . . . . . .Cousin of Elvis

Postoperative . . . . . . . Mail carrier

Prostate. . . . . . . . . . .Flat on your back

Recovery Room . . . . . . Place to do upholstery

Rectum. . . . . . . . . . . .Dang near killed him!

Rheumatic . . . . . . . . . Amorous

Secretion . . . . . . . . . .Hiding something

Seizure . . . . . . . . . . .Roman emperor

Terminal Illness. . . . . Getting sick at the airport

Tibia . . . . . . . . . . . .Country in North Africa

Tolerance . . . . . . . . . .What you get if you give growth hormone to ants

Tumor . . . . . . . . . . . More than one

Urine . . . . . . . . . . . Opposite of you’re out

Varicose. . . . . . . . . . .Near by

Vein. . . . . . . . . . . . .Conceited

Question: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Just one … but the lightbulb has to REALLY want to change!

A young medical student is given his final examination on human reproduction. After reading Question 1; ‘Give five reason why a mother’s milk is better than a cows milk for a newborn baby?’; he recalled four and quickly wrote them down in his exam book. 1. a mother’s milk is more nutritious; it contains better balance of fats, carbohydrates and proteins for the newborn;2. a mothers milk contains a mix of vitamins that more closely aligns to a human baby’s needs. 3. a mothers milk contains immunological agents that will help the newborn fight bacteria, viruses and other infections.4. breast feeding is more nurturing and better developmentally for the child. Stumped, frustrated and running out of time, he searched his mind for a fifth reason. After pondering the question for an agonizing five minutes, he quickly scribbled a fifth response.5. the milk is delivered in a warm and ‘really cute’ cup.He got an ‘A’ on the exam.

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a
colleague on the other end of the line.

“We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.

“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”

“Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact,
there are three doctors there already!”

Q: What do you get when 2 hearts fight?
A: A heart attack!

A man went to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

“When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can’t tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won’t dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar.”

“Thanks doc, I’ll try it.” And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

“What? My recommendation didn’t work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!” answered the doctor.

“Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction,” replied the patient.

“What is that supposed to mean?” demanded the doctor.

“Well, I don’t smoke cigars anymore, but now I can’t go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt.”

What doctors say, and what they’re really thinking:

“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

“Welllllll, what have we here…?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.

“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
–or–
I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

“We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.

“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me …

“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.

“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.