Category: medical

At a mental hospital the staff found some of the patients was gaining weight,
so they were put on a diet of a glass of Tab and one apple for lunch. After
eating their light lunch, the group would start to sing to everyone else. This
became known as the “Moron Tab and Apple Choir”.

Patient: Doctor, Doctor everyone ignores me!
Doctor: Next please.

Dr. Jones, a young psychiatrist begins his practice in an office building.
After several weeks, he realizes that the older man he usually sees in the
elevator each morning and evening is Dr. Smith, also a psychiatrist. Finally,
after a month or two of frequently sharing the elevator, Dr. Jones pulls his
skewed tie, rakes his fingers through his disarrayed hair and approaches his
colleague: “Dr. Smith,” he says. “Every day I step into this elevator in the
evening, exhausted and frazzled by the gut-wrenching stories of my patients, and
you appear as calm and cool as you do each morning. Tell me; tell me please how
to do it? How do you maintain your equanimity after listening to the woes of
your patients?” “My dear Dr. Jones,” replied the older man. “Who listens?”

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

I have to share an experience that happened in my nursing class about sexuality. You see we are about to graduate from an LPN program this week and this person I’m going to tell you about will be a new nurse.

Our instructor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or testicles when a female student asked another male student and me if we ever got an erection while we did self-examination of our testicles.

We answered that it was possible that we had. You know, you don’t really want everyone to know when you get aroused.

She then asked, “What do you do about it?”

We said in unison, “Nothing, why?”

She then say, “You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?”

We said no way!

She then states, “You mean a man’s penis will go down without having an orgasm?”

We both said yes.

At which time she says, “I’m going to kill my husband!”

Three guys are in an insane asylum. The psychiatrist goes around
to check on patients to see how much they’ve progressed. He goes
into the first guy’s room and he’s shooting imaginary baskets.
He says, “I want to be a NBA star!” The psychiatrist says,
“Well, we’re making progress,” and takes note of it.

He goes into the second guys room and he’s throwing an imaginary
football. He says, “I want to be in the NFL.” The psychiatrist
says again that he’s making progress and takes note of it.

He walks into the third guys room and he’s standing on the bed
masturbating with peanuts in his hand. The psychiatrist says,
“This is bad, you haven’t made much progress the whole time
you’ve been here.” The guy on the bed says, “Damn, I’m never
gonna get out of here, I’m fuckin’ nuts!!!”

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. He decided to talk to his doctor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his doctor if there was anything he could do. “What you should do is go out and buy a late ’70 or early ’80 model Dodge Pickup,” said the doctor. “Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.” The fellow asked, “Will this help me live longer?” “No,” said the doctor, “but it will make what time you do have seem like forever.”

Did you know diarrhoea is hereditary?

Yup…it runs in your genes!

A man was brought to Sisters of Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Nun from Sisters of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.’Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,’ said the nun, gently patting his hand. ‘We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”No, I’m not,’ the man whispered hoarsely.’Can you pay in cash?’ persisted the nun.’I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.’ ‘Well, do you have any close relatives?’ the nun essayed.’Just my sister in New Mexico,’ he volunteered. ‘But she’s a humble spinster nun.”Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters;’ they are married to God.”Wonderful,’ said Smith. ‘In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.’

Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother? Sister: He thinks he’s a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken? Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was
so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was
home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor
instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the
woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little
while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the
bottom to get him to take his first breath.
“Hit him again,” the child said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the
first place!!”

An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for his monthly checkup. During
examination, the doctor asks how his nightly incontinence is.
“its fine,” says the old man. “I just get up and go to the bathroom, and God
turns on the light for me.”
The doctor finishes up the examination, and then calls in the daughter to tell
her about the God-light thing.
“Oh, my God!” says the daughter. “He’s been using the fridge again!”