Category: medical

Doctor , I would like to be castrated ! Are you sure about that ? Oh yes , I want to be castrated ! The surgery goes well and the Doctor tells him so . He also notes that the patient has not been circumcised and he says . Thats the word !

The following are excerpts from various American medical journals…..prepare
yourself, they are pretty amazing (But all are True)

INNER SKELETON
A 63-year-old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil,suffering
abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20-inch long skeleton of
a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the
womb and was never
expelled from her body.

FEMALE SOFA
500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in the hospital. During the
examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found
under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the
folds of her vulva.

OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloodied
restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers
around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out
that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under
the
table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an
epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man’s member and wrench it
from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed
her in the head until she let go.

SEX EDUCATION
a Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if
she was sexually active. She said that she wasn’t.
A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she
was not sexually active, the woman replied “I’m not, I just lie there.” When
asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied, “No.
Who?

BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while
trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway,
but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but
without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did
not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the
membrane of his cornea.

GROWING SEASON
An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines growing from her
vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her womb. The woman
then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two weeks previously, because
she thought that her uterus was falling out.

PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He
complained that his wife had “a rat in her vagina” and it bit him during sex.
After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle
left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

LAST STAND
A Cambridge man hobbled into the ER complaining of a permanent erection. He
admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels,
and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use
it sparingly.
However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the
time he came to the ER, all the blood vessel in his penis were swollen and his
testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe pain
killers, and told
him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him to
enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last.

CALL THE BUM SQUAD!
A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a
hemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man’s anus
and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On this
occasion, the shell got stuck.
Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still
live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead
box around the man’s anus to defuse the shell so it could be removed.

What is the best thing about having Alzheimer’s?

You get to meet new people everyday!

A man came hobbling into the doctor’s waiting room, assisted by his wife. The poor bloke could hardly move. He was bent over and grimacing with pain as he shuffled along, his hands like two rigid claws.

The receptionist looked on sympathetically. “Oh dear,” she said. “Arthritis with complications?”

“No,” said the bloke’s wife. “Do-it-yourself with concrete blocks.”

A husband and wife enter a dentist`s office. The Wife says, “I want a
tooth pulled. I don`t want gas or novocain because I`m in a terrible
hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”

“You`re a brave woman,” says the dentist, “Now, show me which tooth it
is.”

The wife turns to her husband and says “Open your mouth and show the
dentist which tooth it is, dear.”

A man lying on a stretcher in the emergency room asks the doctor if he’ll be
okay. The doctor turns to him and says, “Well, there is good and bad news.”
“Tell me the bad news” says the man.
“Well,” says the doctor, “the bad news is that we are going to half to cut
both your legs off.”
“Oh my God,” cries the man, “what the hell is the good news?”
“The good news is,” replies the doctor, “see that man over there? He wants to
buy your shoes.”

There’s this guy who goes into a psychiatrist and says “Hey, doc, you gotta help me out – I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee – I can’t figure it out I go back and forth: I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam”

— and the psychiatrist says “Look, relax – you’re just two tents.”

Q…. What has 140 mile per hour winds and can drown you????

A…. A category 4 dental assistant.

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!” The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror. A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry; the speedometer says we’re doing 80 now.”All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.”There he is again,” the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?” “Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.”Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for
help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him
put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the
still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his
dog, regrettable, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this,
demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and
puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body
and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man
and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead
too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The
vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks
from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The
vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks
your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and
asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man.

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for
my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan
and lab tests.”

How are a Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner and Viagra the same?

They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.

A man who thinks he’s George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, “Tomorrow, we’ll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it.”

As soon as he’s gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, “King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I now have the plans!”