Category: medical

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him – “Doctor, I don’t know what the problem is, but I’ve been farting all the time. It’s not really a problem socially because they don’t make any noise and don’t smell. I just can’t stop farting all the time. In fact while I’ve been in here I must have farted at least 20 times.”

The doctor nods and gives her some pills. “Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done.”

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. “What kind of medicine is this? I’m still farting just as much? They still don’t make any noise, but now they stink terribly!”

The doctor nodded, “It’s alright, now that we have your sinus’ cleared up, we’ll work on your hearing next!”

A woman goes to see her doctor, on entering the doctors office she removes her knickers and shows the doctor her vagina, which has a cork inserted. The doctor says what is your problem, The woman replies look when I remove the cork from my vagina this happens, she pulled the cork free, and the surgery was full of chanting England, England England. The doctor said you have nothing to worry about………………………………………Lots of cunts do that

So, it seems this group of surgeons were sitting about during an
interlude, when the usual topic came up…

The first surgeon said:

“Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open
them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second surgeon said:

“Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in
alphabetical order.”

The third pipes up:

“Try electricians! Everything inside THEM is color coded.”

The fourth sneers:

“Lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads
and their butts are interchangeable.”

To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to
the conversation while sipping from a bottle of Jack Daniels (as
all surgeons do between operations), says:

“I like engineers… they always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end.”

Hello! Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.

If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press since no one will answer.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.

If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to help worthless people like you.

And thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline!

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the Emergency room right away.

A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked. While he was sitting in the chair being examined, the dentist said to him, “Have you done oral sex lately?”

The man replied, “Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell? Did you find a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?”

The dentist says, “No, not quite. You’ve got some shit on the end of your nose!”

Did you hear about the depressed proctologist?
He’s been feeling down in the dumps.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”

“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”

“That is right,” said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.

“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.

“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”

“Correct,” replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place.”

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can’t remember anything! Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem? Patient: What problem?

An old couple go to the doctor for their yearly physicals.
One-at-a time the doctor brings them into the examination room,
starting with the husband.

“Well, Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape for a man your age,”
says the doctor. The man replies, “Well doc, I don’t drink, I
don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me.” “What do you
mean?” asks the doctor. The old man says, “For instance, last
night in the middle of the night, I had to get up to go to the
bathroom–and the good Lord turned on the light for me so I
wouldn’t fall down.” “That’s nice,” said the doctor. “Send your
wife in now, please.”

The wife comes in and the doc says, “Mrs. Smith, you’re in great
shape for a woman your age.” She then says, “Well, doc, I don’t
drink, I don’t smoke…” The doctor interrupts, “and the good
Lord looks after you, right?” The woman is confused and says,
“What are you talking about?” The doctor explains, “Your husband
was just telling me the same thing–he said that the good Lord
looks after him–like the other night when he had to go to the
bathroom, the good Lord turned the light on for him…” “Bloody
hell!” she said, “he peed in the refrigerator again!”

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.

“How’s your sex life?” the doctor asked.

“Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s relief. But then he added, “I’ve had some strange side effects.”

“What’s that?” the doctor asked anxiously.

“Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!”

Dermatologist: Good News my dear, aftr looking through your test results I’m
happy to report you will no longer be plagued by pimples.
Girl: Wow! That’s great! Why?

Dermatologist: There’s no more space.