Doctor Bumblings!

Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Medical Mistatements

The following statements were found on patient’s charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we’re afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

  • “The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.”
  • “The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.”
  • “Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.”
  • “The skin was moist and dry.”
  • “The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.”
  • “She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.”
  • “The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.”
  • “I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.”
  • “The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.”
  • “Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.”
  • “Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.”
  • “She is numb from her toes down.”
  • “Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.”
  • “While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead.”
  • “Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.”
  • “When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.”
  • “Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.”

We won’t know

A couple who were having trouble having a baby went to see a doctor. The
doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which
worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby. When the
nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, “Is it a boy or a
girl?” – “We won’t know until it comes down off the light fixtures.”

Bill from the lawyer

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was
constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor
for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the
lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when
you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still
feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place
them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Aids or Alzheimers?

A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor’s office.

After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it’s one of two things.

The Doc says, “Well, it’s either Alzheimers disease or AIDS.”

“What do you mean!” The guy says, “Can’t you tell the difference?”

“Well, says the Doc, the two look a lot alike in the early stages… Tell you what ya do…Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, – don’t have sex with her anymore!”

Psychology

A Psychology professor was giving a lecture on Bi-Polar Disorder.

“Let us establish some parameters,” said the professor. “Now then, Bennett, what is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” replied Bennett.

“And the opposite of depression, Ms. Buston?”

“Elation, sir.”

“And you Thomas, how about the opposite of woe?”

“I believe that would be giddy up, sir.”

Three Men at the Hospital

Three men are waiting at the hospital for their wives to have
babies. After what seems an eternity, the nurse finally walks
into the waiting room and goes up to the first guy and says
“Congratulations sir, you’ve just had twins!”

“Wow, this is great!” he exclaims, “And, what a coincidence, I
work at Twin City Federal!”

A half hour later the nurse comes back into the waiting room,
approaches the second guy and says “Congratulations sir, you’ve
just had triplets!”

“Are you serious?!” he replies, “This is the greatest day of my
life! Gosh, what a coincidence, I work at 3M!”

At this moment the third guys says “That’s it, I’m outta here!”.

The second guy asks why.

Third guy says “I work at 7-11!”

What a gynecologist does

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took onelook at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. Heimmediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatologicalabnormalities.” “That is right,” said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Doyou know what I’m doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” “Correct,” replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient andstarted having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in thefirst place.”