Category: medical

A man visited his doctor because he had a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consulted with the patient.

Doctor: “It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is pulling on your vocal cords, thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering.”

Patient: “Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?”

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing that six inches from the penis, freeing him from this horrible problem.

The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment, as well as, loss of employment and that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his follow up.

Patient: “Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great new job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem My wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches?”

The doctor scratched his forehead, thought for a minute and said, “I dddoonnn’t ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble.”

Two proctologists are discussing their most baffling cases.

One proctologist tells the other one about the time he put his hand into a patient and pulled out a large bouquet of flowers.

The other proctologist looked really amazed and asked, “Where did those flowers come from?”

The other proctologist answered very cooly, “How should I know. There wasn’t any card!!”

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox?

What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.

“Well,” says the doctor, “I can do the facelift, and then you’ll have to come back in six months for a follow-up.”

“Oh, no.” the woman replies. “I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to have to come back.”

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, “There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear.”

“That’s what I want!” exclaims the lady. “Let’s do that.”
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor’s office.

“Well, how’s the procedure holding up?” the doctor asks.
“Terrible!” the lady bellows. “It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made.”

“What’s wrong?” asks the doctor.
“Just look at these bags under my eyes!” she hollers.

“Lady,” the doctor reports, “those aren’t bags, those are your boobs, and if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to have a beard!”

A woman goes to a doctor, and says, “Doctor I want an operation to reduce my
vagina lips.” “Oh, I don’t think so,” says the doctor. “Please,” the woman begs.
“Oh all right,” sighs the doctor. “But no one can find out, not even my family”
the woman insists. The doctor agrees.
After the operation, the woman finds two roses at her bedside. “Oh,” she
screams, “no one was supposed to find out about my operation! “Oh, it’s okay
ma’am,” says the doctor. “One rose is from me, and the other is from a man in
the intensive burn unit, who thanks you very much for his new ears!”

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?Dentist: $100.00.Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

My insomnia is so bad, I can’t even sleep on the job.

What two things in the air can make women pregnant?
Her feet!

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. “Please dear, I need help.” she said.
The husband ran off saying “I’ll go get some help.” A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, “I’m may be dying and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help.”

“The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???”

“Hey! I told ya not to worry.” he said, practice stroking his putt. “Everyone’s already agreed to let him play through.”

A guy opens his packed lunch that his wife made for him that morning. He takes a bite of the sandwich and immediately spits it out cursing. Straight away he phones his wife asking, “What was in that sandwich you gave me?”
“Why?” she asked.

“Because it was disgusting.” he answers. “What was in it?”

“Crab Paste.” she says.

“Well I have never had anything that tasted that awful before. Where did you get it from?”

“The Pharmacy.” she answers

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.
“I think accountants are the easiest to operate on,” said the first surgeon.
“You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
“I think librarians are the easiest to operate on,” said the second. “You open
them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
“I like to operate on electricians,” said the third. “You open them up and
everything inside is color-coded.”
“I like to operate on lawyers,” said the fourth. “They’re heartless,
spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable.”
“I like engineers,” said the fifth. “They always understand when you have a
few parts left over at the end…”