Category: medical

A policeman is walking down the road when he sees a man with a brick tied to a
dog leash. He decides to go and humor him. He walks up to the man and says,
”Hello, sir, I like your dog!”
The man looks at the brick, then the policeman, and says, ”It’s not a dog,
it’s a brick.”
The policeman replies, ”Oh, sorry, I thought you were a bit mad,” and walks
off rather puzzled.
As the policeman goes out of sight, the man turns to the brick and says,
”That fooled him, didn’t it Rover?”

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day.
When he arrived, they didn’t have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.

A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.

The clerk asked, “Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?”

He said, “Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I’ll be damned if that gynecologist didn’t stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!”

A man walked into a psychiatrist’s office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose.

The shrink frowned and said, “I see you need my help!”

The guy said, “Yeah Doc. Got a match!?”

On the way out of the hospital after surgery, the patient
stopped by the billing office to pay up.

The room cost was $650 a day, medication was $200 a day, tests
totalled $3,800 and the doctor cost $2,800.

Upon inspection of the bill, the patient exclaims, “Over $7,000
fucking dollars. They must think I’m crazy!”

The clerk responded, “I guess not sir, there’s no charge on here
for any psychological evaluation.”

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted
the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side,
waiting for the service manager.
Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, “Hey DeBakey…
Is that you? Come over here a minute.” The famous surgeon, a bit surprised,
walked over to where Morris was working on a car.
Morris, in a loud voice all could hear, said argumentatively, “So Mr. fancy
doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind ’em, put in new parts,
and when I finish, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the
big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?”
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris, “Try doing
your work with the engine running.”

Why did the hand cross the road?

Because he wanted to get to the second hand shop

The turmoil of the delivery room changed into silence and bewilderment as the newborn emerged from its mother. The doctor had no previous knowledge or historical case studies to aid him in diagnosing the situation at hand, as he stared at the new born boy, dumb-founded. The boy was born without eyelids!

Time was critical. The doctor assembled the top residents in the hospital to determine a course of action, for the baby’s sight was truly in peril. A decision was made. The boy would have his penis circumcised and the foreskin removed from his penis would be surgically reconstructed into eyelids. After ten hours in the operating room the doctors emerged.

By this time the word of the baby boy born without eyelids had spread throughout the city. News reporters and all concerned gathered around the doctors, anticipating the outcome of the surgery. The doctors collectively agreed the operation was a success and a monumental achievement in reconstructive surgery. The crowd cheered and embraced one another. Reporters scribbled down notes and took pictures.

Suddenly, from the back of the crowd a question emerged: Will there be any long-term side affects of this operation? The pandemonium of the jubilant crowd subsided. The silence was nervously painstaking as the doctors stared at each other. The doctors’ heads nodded in unison and one doctor came forth. Yes, replied the Doctor, there will be one side affect. The boy’s a little Cock-eyed!

Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?Doctor: Absolutely nothing!

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctors asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if I would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said.

As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive ‘yes, yes’ type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

After she had, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed. “So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you”.

“Well”, said the doctor, “my wife is right, a beard would suit me”

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, “Oh my god, help me, there’s a bee in my vagina!”.

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit”.

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife’s vagina. The doctor said “OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife’s vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife’s vagina.”

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said “Yes,yes, whatever, just get on with it.”

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey,inserted it into the young lady’s vagina. After a few gentle strokes,the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper”.

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, “Oh doctor, doctor!” she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. “Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you’re doing?!” he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: “Change of plan, I’m gonna drown the bastard!!”

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, “Gimme a break, lady!
Your daughter is pregnant!”

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.

I was hoping they’d show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!”