Category: medical

Senior Citizens are the biggest carriers of AIDS.
Hearing AIDS
Seeing AIDS
Chewing AIDS
Band AIDS
RolAIDS
Walking AIDS
MedicAIDS
Government AIDS

One day a man went to the doctors and said, “Doctor you’ve gotta
help me! I don’t know what’s wrong but I have a red ring round
my penis!” The doctor said that he’d have to take a look at it
and he did. He gave the man some soap and said, “I want you to
wash it everyday and if its still there in a week come back.

Then another man came in and said, “Doctor you’ve gotta help me!
I don’t know what’s wrong but I have a green ring round my
penis!” The doctor again said that he’d have to take a look at
it and again he did. Then the doctor said, “Right we gonna have
to amputate!” The other man said, “What but you just gave the
other man some soap and told him to wash it!” The doctor
answered, “Yes but there’s a difference between lipstick and
gangrene!”

One woman says to another, “I can’t understand why you haven’t gone to see that new gynecologist yet! I mean he’s so young and handsome! And your gynecologist is so old!”

The other woman replies with a smile, “Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!”

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers
and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating.
You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests
itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and
whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go.”

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

“What’s the matter?” asked his wife. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”

A woman comes to her doctor asking to pull out the vibrator that got stuck.

The doctor, after examining her says : “I have good news and bad news,what would you like to hear first”

“the bad news” says the woman.

“Well, I can’t take it out” answered the doctor.

“And what is the good news” asked the woman

“I can still change the batteries” – answered the doctor.

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, ‘Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.’ ‘Well, in plain English,’ the doctor replied, ‘you’re just lazy.’ ‘Okay,’ said the man. ‘Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.’

Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails? Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.

A young man, on his first visit to a big city decides to go visit the local whorehouse. A little while later he starts to feel sick. He goes to see a doctor of internal medicine. The doctor examines him and says, “Well son, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’ve got a bad case of syphilis, gonorrhea, and about 12 other things I can’t spell. I’m afraid I’m going to have to give you this medicine. It’ll make you get better but it’ll also cause your penis to shrivel up and disappear. It’s going to cost you $1000.”

This doesn’t make our friend very happy so he goes and sees a surgeon. The surgeon examines him and says “Sorry, but it looks like a nice mix of syphilis, gonorrhea, and a few other things to boot. Afraid I’m going to have to cut your dick off and charge you $2000.”

By this time the guy is desperate so he goes to see a doctor of holistic medicine. The doctor examines him and comes to essentially the same conclusion as the other doctors: an advanced case of V. D. However, his approach to the problem is designed to save the patient unnecessary expense, trauma, and worry: “Look, just go home and eat lots of good food, get plenty of rest, and gets lots of sunshine and fresh air. Wait about two weeks and your dick will fall off all by itself.”

Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.Patient: What happened?Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?Patient: Give me the bad news first.Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

For year�s years they told me,
“Be careful of your breasts.
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.”

So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by law…
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore a bra.

After 30 years of careful care,
The Doctor found a lump,
He ordered up a Mammogram
To look inside that clump.

“Stand up very close,” she said,
as she got my tit in line,
“And tell me when it hurts,” she said,
Ah yes!There! Thats just fine.”

She stepped upon a pedal…
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down…
My Boob was in a vice!!

My skin was stretched’n stretched
From way up by my chin,
And my poor tit was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin!!

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its vice-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

“Take a deep breath,” she said to me.
Who does she think she’s kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can’t breathe and woozy I am getting.

“There, that was good,” I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying,
“Now lets get the other one,”
“Lord, have mercy,” I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I’ll bet she’s never had this done
to her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now…
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped-Ker-Pow!!

This machine was made by man,
Of this I have no doubt…
I’d like to get his balls in there,
For months he’d go “WITHOUT”!!

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining
about a bump on his head and a terrible headache.
Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason
why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some
post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, “Don’t worry about a thing. He really does have
a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of
anesthetic.”