Category: medical

What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?

They both have wet noses!

A man went to the nursing home to visit his grandfather. “How
are they treating you, grandfather?” he asked. “Fine!” came the
reply, “The nurses here are really nice.” “How is the food?”
“Good!” “Are you sleeping well, grandfather?” “Oh, yes I sleep
nine hours a night.

Every night they bring me a glass of milk and a viagara.”
Worried, the grandson asked the administrators why he was given
viagara. “We give him a glass of warm milk to help him sleep. We
give him viagara to keep him from rolling out of bed.”

A Columbia Doctor’s secretary called an old farmer out my way and said: “Your check came back.”

The old man replied, “So did my arthritis!”

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If
you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”
The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”
The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”

The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him `I hereby give and convey to you
all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and
advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and
seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and
otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice,
rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds,
instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise
notwithstanding…'”

A guy goes to the doctor very woried and says to the doctor that
he does not like women, he says that he does not know why, but
that he just doesn’t. Then the doctor says well i can’t help you
with that you must go to a therapist.a year passed since the guy
had seen the doctor again, one day he passes by the doctor’s
office and goes to say hi. Then he says well was it the women
your therapist or a guy. He respondes back, it was a guy. Well
then, did he fix your problem, well yeah. then he goes did you
get married, and the guy says yes. then the doctor says with
whom, well the doctor was waiting for about 5 minutes, he goes
well tell me. The guy says shylly, well with the therapist.

Quote: i am not trying to offend any gay or lesbian people.

A doctor is to give a speech at the local AMA dinner. He jots down notes for his speech.

Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night, he finds that he can’t read his notes. So he asks, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”

* You’ve ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is a medical emergency.

* You have four categories of patients; urgent, emergent, non-emergent, and S.I.O. (sleeping it off.)

* You’ve ever entered a patient’s chief complaint as “I’m drunk.”

* You refer to motorcyclists as “organ donors.”

* You’ve ever had a patient with a nose-ring tell you “I’m afraid of shots.”

* You stare at someone in utter disbelief when he or she actually covers his or her mouth when coughing.

* You’ve ever thought “as long as he’s got a pulse, I won’t worry about that rhythm.”

* You’ve ever referred to a body bag as a “To Go” bag.

* You can identify the “P.I.D. shuffle” at a distance of 15 feet and the “Kidney Stone Squirm” at 20.

* You’ve identified the ULTIMATE Cruel Practical Joke; (get someone drunk, then take them to the ER and announce that they’ve overdosed on “some kind of pills” just prior to arrival.)

* You think of chocolate, coffee, Coca-Cola and the cafeteria’s frozen yogurt when anyone mentions the 4 food groups.

* You’ve ever heard the radio report from the ambulance and sadly put the morgue bag on the cart before the patient arrives.

* You think that the announcement of an impending arrival in 5 minutes of two adults in a serious MVA on back boards with sirens on and anxiety at level 10 would be a great opportunity to eat lunch… (and you know that this is more time than you usually get.)

* You have ever heard triage nurse first ask, “Is it urgent?” when interrupted from the first break in hours.

* You feel that you can diagnose passersby at the mall based on physical presentation.

* You don’t have to ask “frequent flyers” any medical history questions because you can fill it out from memory.

* You can keep a straight face as the patient responds “I just had two beers.”

* You automatically multiply by 3 the number of drinks they claim to have daily.

* You give the local drunks tips on where to sleep so they (and you) won’t be disturbed by a return visit.

A man goes to the doctor and he finds out that he is very ill and only has a few weeks to live. He can’t believe it and starts asking the doctor, “What can I do?”

The Doctor says that unfortunately it is too late and he should concentrate on getting his affairs in order.

“There must be something!” the man says. “What about radiation, Chemotherapy….I’m a tough guy!”

The doctor again says that there is nothing they can do for him and he should concentrate on the time he has left. The man, however, is beside himself and will not give up.

“Doc, please. What about experimental treatments? I’m not leaving until you give me something!”

At this point the doctor finally says, “OK, if I were you I’d take my wife up to the wine country and go to one of those spas they have, for a mud bath.”

Now the guy really can’t believe it.

“A mud bath?” he says. “If radiation won’t work, chemo won’t work, what is a mud bath supposed to accomplish?”

“Well, replies the Doctor, “It will get you used to dirt.”

“Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient tells his urologist on
the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic
soothed. “Get him in here right away and I will take care of
him.”

“But I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same
symptoms that he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied
the doctor.

“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.”

“Oh crap!” the physician roared, “That means we’ve all got it!”

Here are some ideas to drive men/women crazy now, this is only a joke, so
don’t try this at home!! 😉
MEN:
1.Ace the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)
2.Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
3.Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.
4.Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest
that he’s gained a few pounds.
5.Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any
history of male pattern baldness on his mother’s side.
6.”Accidentally” fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
7.Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each
time.
8.Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.
Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who “needs it more
than he does.”
9.Insist upon a lot of “meaningful conversations.”
If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit
unannounced.
10.Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, and then follow him with a camera to
capture his “sinking” on film.
11.Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.
12.Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don’t know
about to his younger brother, who he hates.

WOMEN:
1.Call her by the dog’s name and then deny it.
2.Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally
different subject.
3.Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
4.Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she’s
gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with
some meat on her bones.
5.Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in
Georgia when your original destination was California.
6.Call her by your mother’s name and then deny it.
7.Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
8.Buy her power tools for Valentine’s Day.
9.Never give her a straight answer.
10.Take up yodeling and practice a lot.
11.Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh!
Argh!)
12.Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
13.Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
14.Answer every question with “Yes, dear.” (Use with caution as PMS is a valid
murder defense in many states.)

Man : Doctor, so are you sure if I take these small blue
pills, as you suggest, I will get better?
Doctor: Well, sir, lets just put it this way–none of my
patients have come back to ask for more…

Mary : Johnny, its rude to keep reaching across the table
like hat just for a piece if bread. Haven’t you got
a tounge?
Johnny: Yes, but my arms are longer….

Larry: I just got a nice bottle od vodka for my mother-in-law.
Harry: Sounds like a nice trade…

Victoria: I woulnd’t marry you if you were the last person on
Earth!!
Vic : Well if I were, you wouldn’t be here now would you…

A man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, ”Yes sir, may we help you?” ”There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, ”You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.” ”Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you.” he said. ”We do not use language like that here,” she said. ”Please go outside and come back in and say that there’s something wrong with your ‘ear’ or whatever.” The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ”Yes?” ”There’s something wrong with my ‘ear’,” he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. ”And what is wrong with your ear, sir?” ”I can’t piss out of it.” the man replied.