Category: medical

Yo’ mama so stupid, she went to the doctor for a home pregnancy test!

Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?Doctor: No! Throw them away like everybody else.

The middle-aged spinster, well known for all her charity work and support for
good causes (because she was a somewhat tedious self-publicist), was complaining
to the Doctor of a persistent headache.

“What’s it like?” asked the Doctor.

“Like a tight band around my head,” replied the spinster.
Mindful that this type of headache is most often due to an unhealthy or
stressed lifestyle, the Doctor asked if she smoked a lot.
“Certainly not, Doctor. Never have smoked, never will,” was the emphatic
reply.

“Do you drink a lot of alcohol?”
“Doctor! I am strictly teetotal.”

“How often do you have sex?”
“That is an impertinent question; I am as chaste as the driven snow.”

“Perhaps you’re spending too much time going to church?”
“Impossible, Doctor. As I keep telling the Mothers Union, I go twice every
Sunday and every Festival Day because it is our clear duty to do so.”

“Are you working too hard at your charity activities?”
“Well,” simpered the spinster, “I always believe that you can never do too
much for your fellow man, even to the detriment of your own health.”

“Just as I thought,” said the Doctor, “It is clear that the headaches are due
to your halo being too tight.”

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a
patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a
piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied,
“Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?”

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1
replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light
bulb.” The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2’s face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from
there before he hurts himself?”

Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?”

An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, “Doc, it’s terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it’s odorless and silent, otherwise I’d be mortified. For example, I’ve passed gas ten times just since we’ve been talking, but it’s odorless and silent so you can’t tell.” The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.
The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, “Doc, there’s been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it’s still silent, now it smells terrible!”

The doctor says, “Well, I’m glad we cleared up your sinus blockage,now we’ll have to work on your hearing.”

A man thinks he’s crazy so he decides to go to a psychiatrist.
Before the man goes he wraps himself completely in saran wrap.

After an hour of talking to the psychiatrist the man asks,
“Doctor, what’s wrong with me?”

The doctor replies, “I’m not sure but I can clearly see your
nuts.”

A guy comes home from work feeling bad about the day’s
activities. He lays down on the couch and ponders his
actions. Like most of us, his conscience has two voices; that of his good
moral side and that of his mischievous side.
While staring at the ceiling, a voice in his head says
“don’t worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients.” The man
tosses and turns in reflection of his actions. Again the voice says “don’t worry
about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients.” Feeling somewhat
relieved, the man begins to relax and feel better about himself at which time
another voice in head says, “but you’re a veterinarian.”

A doctor is standing in the hall of a hospital talking with a colleague when suddenly one of his patients runs down the hall in his hospital gown screaming at the top of his lungs.

Right behind the patient is a nurse carrying a pan of steaming, boiling-hot water, obviously chasing the patient.

The doctor interrupts his conversation with his colleague and shouts to the chasing nurse, “Miss Jones, I said ‘Prick his boil!'”

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

Tom: Shhh, doctor! My dog’s outside in the waiting room!

Q: What is the difference between a brain surgeon and God?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a brain surgeon!

One day there was a proctologist who went to the bank. He pulled out his paycheck and started to sign it. The teller came over the intercom and says, “Excuse me sir, but you’re signing that with a thermometer.” He replies, “Damn, some asshole has my pen!”

What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?

They both have wet noses!