Category: medical

1. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you

2. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.

3. You find humor in other peoples stupidity.

4. You believe in aerial spraying of Pbozac

5. Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint.

6. You believe that “shallow gene pool” should be a diagnosis.

7. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

8. You believe Chocolate is a food group.

9. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says,”Boy, it sure is quiet around here.

10. When you’re out in public and you compliment a stranger on their great veins.

11. You have ever referred to someone’s death as a transfer to the eternal care center. 12. You hate working nights with a full moon.

13. You don’t think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is appropriate for this patient.

14. You have wanted to give a seminar on “SUICIDE” Doing it right the first time.

15. You have had to leave a pt’s room before you laugh uncontrollably.

16. You think coffee should be available in IV form.

17. You have ever restrained someone and it was NOT a sexual experience.

18. You believe that “too stupid to live” should be a diagnosis.

19. If you have ever referred to a Paramedic as a “Shit magnate”.

20. You believe that the waiting room should have Valium Salt Licks.

21. You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab.

22. When ordering labs the Doctor wants to order a “dumb shit” lab.

23. When you mention vegetable you aren’t talking about the food group.

24. You are totally astounded when someone from the lab speaks English.

25. You have been exposed to so many x-rays that you say, “No, I don’t have to be worried about birth control… I’ve been irradiated.”

26. Your patient states, “I have no idea how that got stuck up there.”

27. You have your weekends all marked and planned for the year.

28. You encourage an obnoxious person to sign an AMA just so you don’t have to deal with them anymore.

29. You use your status to get out of a speeding ticket.

30. You use the word GOMER in a sentence more than once a shift.

31. You have ever bet on someone’s blood alcohol level.

32. You threaten to use “the hose” if your patient won’t give a urine sample.

33. After someone tells you how many drinks they’ve had, you ask: “How big were those drinks.”

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends
$5,000 and feels really great about the result.

On his way home he stops at a news stand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t
mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,” was
the reply. “I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order
taker the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look
about 29″. “I am actually 47!” This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
question. She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is
going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a
mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I
will be able to tell your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and
let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47.”

Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”

The old lady replies, “I was in line behind you at McDonalds.”

Dentist to Patient: “Would you help me out? I’d like you to give a few of your
loudest screams.” Patient: “Why, Doc? I didn’t feel a thing!” Dentist: “I know,
but there are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don’t want to
miss the five o’clock football game.”

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.

Doctor,doctor i feel like i am being ignored
Docter:Next please!

A doctor tells his patient –
“I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news for you”.

So, the patient asks, “What’s the good news, Doc?”

And the doctor says, “They’re going to name a disease after you!”

Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine’s?
Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you.
Boy Monster: Is it still beating?

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, “Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!”

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.

I was hoping they’d show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!”

A guy goes into a doctor’s office with a frog growing out of his head.
“Tell me how it started,” says the doctor.
“It started out as a bump on my ass,” says the frog.

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the
diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, “There must be something you’re doing that you haven’t told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?”

“Well,” she said a little sheepishly, “my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.”

“That’s got to be it,” said the doctor. “There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.”

“Not if you’re going to watch T.V. there ain’t,” she replied.

Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally
alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.

11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.