Category: medical

In response to the joke “Charitable Acts”, Tiggz4u submits this story (said to be true):A friend of mine is a Dr. and while in medical school she was working in a clinic in New York City in a Hispanic neighborhood. most of her clients didn’t speak a word of English. She called back a young women for a feminine exam, by called her last name. A women in her early 20’s stood up and the man next to her in his early 40’s followed suit, she brought them back to the examination room, and discovered the young women didn’t speak English, she asked Mr. Garsea to ask Ms. Garsea to undress and step into a examination robe, he translated. By the end of the examination Mr. Garsea look flustered, and she asked what was wrong, he replied, I want to know when I get my Flu Shoot, and who is this young women on the examination table? The two shared the same last name, and didn’t want question the authority of a Dr. in the free clinic

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon
arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a
portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it
out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for
starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had
ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so
he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the
machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and
was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up
fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to
transfer all of the pain.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband
were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the
mailman dead on their porch.

John was a clerk in a small chemist shop but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Peter, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Peter’s warning he sold the man a box of laxative pills and told him to take them all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Peter had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had happened.

“He wanted something for his cough but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. So I substituted laxatives and told him to take them all at once,” John said.

“Laxatives won’t cure a cough,” Peter shouted angrily.

“Sure they will,” John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. “Look at him! He’s too afraid to cough…”

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
“You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many
rings, his wife picked up the phone.
“What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in bed.”
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion.”

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes
in, and he says, “I have to tell you something about your baby.”

The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby,
Doctor? What’s wrong???”

The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your
baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”

The woman says, “A hermaphrodite…. What’s that???”

The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the…er…
features…of a male and a female.”

The woman turns pale. She says,

“Oh no! You mean it has breasts…AND a brain?”

You know how during surgery they give you anesthetic but you’re
not really unconsious, so you still hear what’s going on. Here
are some of those things you don’t want to hear.

“Uhh… I forgot which part came next.”

“Ok guys this is my last operation of the day. Then I got a date
with this hot chick!”

“I wish I had brought my glasses today.”

“Can someone turn off that pumping red thing? It’s irritating
me.”

(During a brain operation) “LOOK LOOK! HAHAHA! I can make his
leg twitch!”

“I have a sudden urge to act like Zorro.”

“What was I supposed to amputate again?”

“This is my first operation guys, don’t help me out!”

“Whaddya mean he wasn’t scheduled for a sex transplant?”

“I wish that damn repairman would fix the lights already!”

“I bet I could do two operations at once.”

“Oops, dropped my contact.”

“Hmm…I don’t think it was a good idea to eat while doing
this…”

“What no inusrance? Ahh well he can live like this.”

One Polish surgeon asks another: “How did the operation go?”

“The operation was a success, but the patient died!”

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

Here are some highlights of ER admissions to Chicago General over the past year:
– A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

– A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least– during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as “The Human Couch”.

– The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

– A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady’s 78-year old daughter that her mother didn’t make it. “Didn’t make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!”

– A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from “crank” (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly “You mean like having sex with our dog?”

– A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn’t able to retrieve it with her fingers. She went to the bathroom and “gagged myself to vomit but couldn’t vomit it up either.”

Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world.

One physician says, “Why, Bubba, thiseyer crazy birth thang isa gettin’ so bad that perty soon, they ain’t gonna be room for ever’body! There’sa gonna be standin’ room only on this here planet!”

The other doctor replied, “Heck, that sure oughta slow ’em down a bit!”

A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued…

Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.

“Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy,” he said, pointing to the urine bottle.

“Oh, really?” she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. “In that case, we’d better run it through again…”

David: My wife beats me, doctor.Doctor: Oh dear. How often?David: Every time we play Scrabble!