Category: medical

Two guys are at the doctor’s office, each has got a problem with his “jimmy.”
One guy gets called in to see the doctor and comes back out five minutes later.
the guy in the waiting room says, “Well, what’d he say?” The first guy tells him
that the doctor said to just take a shower and the ring around his unit will
come right off.
So the next guy goes in thinking, “Great — just take a shower.” But instead
the doctor tells him that they are going to have to operate. “Why?” he asks,
“The other guy just had to take a shower.” The doctor says, “Well, there’s a big
difference between lipstick and gangrene.”

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to the doctor’s office, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament. The man asked, ”Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?” ”Well, yes.” the doctor replied. ”But never framed.”

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient,
“How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?”
He got this reply…
“Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done
it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my
stepdaughter. My daddy came to visit us; fell in love with my lovely
stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.
Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy’s brother-in-law since he
is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife.
So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my
stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my
uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s
mother. Don’t forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that
I am my wife’s grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I’m
married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife’s grandson and her hubby,
but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this
place?”

A funny story I know comes from someone’s father-in-law who is a pharmacist. One of his customers complained that the capsules she’d been given weren’t working.

“Oh,” he said, “You’ve been taking them the wrong way. You have to take them so that the green half goes in first.” He said that she stopped by a week later to let him know that her medication was now working fine!

Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:

1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
2. Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop
3. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
6. Hand me that… uh… that uh… thingie.
7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
9. Damn, there go the lights again…
10. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ’em.
11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.
13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
14. I hope his family won’t miss him
15. And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
18. Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.

“Doc,” said the young man lying down on the couch, “you’ve got to help me!
Every night I have the same horrible dream.
I’m lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing
off my clothes.”
The psychiatrist nodded, “And what do you do?”
“I push them away.”
“I see. What do you want me to do?”
The patient implored, “Break my arms.”

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman
with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a
variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It
was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis,
so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above
it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.”

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note
on the patient’s dressing, which said,

“Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”

Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor…

Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out. Patient: I wanna second opinion! Doctor: Okay, you’re ugly, too!

One Day this bloke goes into the doctors and says “Eh doc, I get
these splitting headaches in the back of my head, they’ve ruined
my whole sex life, what do you recommend?”
So the doctor says “There’s only one answer I’m afraid. You’ll
have to have your penis amputated.”
Knowing that he has to get rid of the headaches he reluctantly
agrees. So a week later the man goes into hospital for the op.
After the operation he feels he should celebrate by buying
himself a new suit. He makes his way to the tailors for his new
garments. Whilst the tailor measures his inside leg he asks
“Which side does your penis hang sir?”
Worried the man says “Does It really matter?”
“well yes” said the tailor “‘cos if you hang it over the wrong
side you get these splitting headaches!”

A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”

“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?”

“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.

“Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!”

“Nine…”

One day a man went to the doctor’s office with a stuttering problem.

“Hhhey dddocc, ccann yoou hhhelp mmmee wwwithh mmmmy st-st-uttering ppproblem?”

The doc replied, “Sure. Sit down.”

The doctor then examined the man and in a low voice he told the man, “Your penis is so bit that the sheer weight of it is pulling on your vocal cords, and therefore causing you to stutter.”

“Iiss ttthere aaannnyytthing tthat yyou ccan dddooo ttoo ffixxx iiit?”, asked the man.

“I can surgically remove about 8 inches,” replied the doctor.

The guy said, “Ddddoo wwhattever yyyou ccan tto hheelp mmme bbbeeccaauusse tthhis ststutterinngg iiss ddrrivviinngg mmee ccrrazzyy.”

So the doc goes through with the opperation, and his stuttering stops. Two months later, the man comes back to the doctor’s office with a question.

“Hey doc, the operation helped my stuttering, but my sex life sucks. Can you reverse the operation?”

The doc replies, “Fffforrrggettt itttt!”

In response to the joke “Charitable Acts”, Tiggz4u submits this story (said to be true):A friend of mine is a Dr. and while in medical school she was working in a clinic in New York City in a Hispanic neighborhood. most of her clients didn’t speak a word of English. She called back a young women for a feminine exam, by called her last name. A women in her early 20’s stood up and the man next to her in his early 40’s followed suit, she brought them back to the examination room, and discovered the young women didn’t speak English, she asked Mr. Garsea to ask Ms. Garsea to undress and step into a examination robe, he translated. By the end of the examination Mr. Garsea look flustered, and she asked what was wrong, he replied, I want to know when I get my Flu Shoot, and who is this young women on the examination table? The two shared the same last name, and didn’t want question the authority of a Dr. in the free clinic