Category: medical

Went to my doctor the other day for the old annual physical. Every couple of years this includes a colon exam. My doctor just examines the lower part of the colon (Flexible Fiberoptic Sigmoidoscopy) and, if everything is alright there, doesn’t recommend the more intrusive colonoscopy. While explaining this to me, the interaction went something like:

Doctor: I’ll just check out the lower part of the colon. If we find anything abnormal, then I’ll send you over to the hospital for the ‘whole nine yards’.

Me: Wide eyes.

Doctor: Oh, just a figure of speech. It’s only about two and half feet.

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..”.He is interrupted by the doctor, “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear”.”Yes! Exactly! How did you know?””Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.Two weeks go by and the man is back, “Well, how do you feel?” the doctor asked.”Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.”

2 pshycologists met each other in a street one day.
One said to the other, “You’re good today, how am I?

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.

When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants!

“Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?” yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.

“Don’t you want to get pregnant?” asked the doctor.
“Well, yes, I do,” answered the woman.

“Then lie back and spread ’em,” replied the doctor.
“We’re all out of the bottled stuff…
You’ll just have to settle for what’s on tap!”

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold.
His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, “Go home and take a hot bath. As
soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.”
“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”
“I know,” said the doctor, “I can cure pneumonia.”

Patient: Doctor, you’ve gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out.”

Doctor: That’s easy. Eat shit!

The patient sat there looking ill and asked, ”Flu?” The doctor replied,
”No, I came on my bicycle actually!”

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they’re cured and ready to re-enter society.

“So, Mr. Clark,” the doctor says to one of his patients, “I see by your chart that you’ve been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you’re released?”

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, “Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That’s still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it’s like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I’ve grown interested in lately.”

Dr. Leroy nods and says, “Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities.”

The patient replies, “And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot.”

There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.

She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.

She asked Dr. Chang, “Doctor, please help me find out what’s wrong with me!”

So Dr. Chang said, “Take off all yu cwothes.” So she did.
Then he said, “Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me.” So the young lady did.

Dr. Chang looked at her said, “I know what wong with yu…
Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!”

The lady asked, “What the heck is that?!”

Dr. Chang replied, “Dat’s wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt”!

An old lady’s husband had just died and she felt their was no reason to live
anymore. She called the doctor and asked exactly where her heart was. He told
her it should be under her left breast.
That night she went to the emergency room with a shot in the knee.

The other day I was sitting in the doctor’s office when a nun came running out of the exam room screaming and yelling. She was so upset, she didn’t even pay her bill, just slammed the door and left.

About a minute later the doctor came out and the nurse asked him, “Doctor, what on earth happened in there?”

The doctor replied, “Well, I examined her. Then I told her she was pregnant.”

“Pregnant? A nun? That’s impossible!”, said the nurse.

“I know it. But it sure cured her hiccups.”

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with
a man and agreed to marry him. The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as
soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the
new things she’d seen.
“What can I help you with?” he asked.
”Well first, what is that thing between my husband’s legs called?”
”Ma’am,” he answered, ”that there is called a penis.”
”I see,” she said. ”Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis
called?”
”Why that there is called the head of the penis.”
”I do declare!” exclaimed the young woman. ”One last question doctor, what
are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the
penis?”
”I’m not sure about your husband, ma’am, but on me, they’re called the cheeks
of my ass!”