Category: medical

One day, John’s tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor’s office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he’d have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

“So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?” the doctor said.

“The nurse must have told you,” said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.

“No. It was in your urinalysis.” and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn’t believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.

Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine. When John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

The doctor looked at him and said, “I’ve got some bad news, smartass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife’s got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don’t stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!”

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, ‘Hi there handsome. How are you doing?’ before wiggling her backside and walking off. ‘Who was that?!’ demanded the doctor’s wife. ‘Er – just a woman I met professionally,’ replied the doctor. ‘Oh yeah?!’ snarled his wife, ‘in whose profession? Yours, or hers?!’

A woman met a man at a club and went back to his place for sex. Afterward, she
said �You must be a good dentist.� He replied, �How did you know I’m a dentist.�
She said, �I didn’t feel a thing.�

I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money.The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer’s group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!

An old man and an old lady went in the doctor’s office to get their yearly
exam. The doctor came in and started to get some information from them. He then
told the old man that he needed to have a stool sample and a urine sample. The
old man turned to the old lady and asked her what the doctor said.
“He needs a pair of your underwear.”

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the
professor said, ”There are two things to being a medical forensics�. First:
Don’t fear anything.”
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse’s anus
and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.
After hesitating, they all did it.
”Next,” the professor said, ”you have to have a key observation finger.
Thus, I licked my index finger.”

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, “I think my wife
is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I
often have to repeat things over and over again.”
“Well,” the doctor replies, “go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from
her and say something. If she doesn’t reply, move about five feet closer and say
it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her
deafness.”
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts
off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some
vegetables, he says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply.
He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind
her, about an inch away, and asks again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”

What is a blonde’s mating call?
”NEXT!”

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.
Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, “You know, you’ve been lucky.
Nothing is broken. But you need to relax…
Why don’t you go home and take a long hot bath?”

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.”Excuse me,” he said, “have you lost something?””No,” replied one of the doctors. “We’re doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.”

A young couple goes to a restaurant and orders some food. The waiter brings the first dish and they notice that they have his the thumb stuck in the food. At first, they thought it was a distraction, but then they noticed that the waiter was doing this with every time he brought a dish, he would place his thumb on the food.

They were really upset about this but decided not to let it spoil their dinner. After they ate, they ordered some coffee and there came the waiter with his thumb placed in the coffee bowl. The young man, who was already pissed off, said: “Alright, that’s enough! Don’t you have manners?! Every time you bring us something you stick your finger in it?!”

The waiter, feeling a little bit uneasy, answers: “Well, sir, please forgive me, it’s just that I have a small tumor in my thumb, and the doctor said that I had to keep it warm so that the tumor would go away.”

Then the young guy loses all his patience and yells: “Then why don’t you stick your finger up your…”

“It was there, I only removed it so that I could serve you…” the waiter answered

There was an old woman. She went into a store and asked the clerk in a shaky voice, “do you know what a dildo is?”
The clerk said, “yes”.

In a shaky voice she asked, “do you sell them?”

“Why yes” the clerk answeresd.

In a shakier voice she asked, “do you know how to use them?”

“I guess so” said the clerk.

The old woman, trembling asked, “do you know how to turn them off?”