Category: medical

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, “Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?”

In a strident voice, she responded, “How dare you make such a proposition to me!”

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, “I just asked for the time, miss.”

In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, “I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!”

Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, “I’m terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements.”

The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, “YOU’D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT’S THAT?….. AND YOU’D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!”

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody
in Room 27.
She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is
empty.
“Good,” says the man. “That means I must have really escaped.”

13> You solemnly vow that all those brats at Thomas Jefferson Middle School will pay *big-time* for that stomach ache you got from the band candy.12> You practice both yoga and tai chi to learn to gather your scattered rage and focus it on one person at a time.11> As the specter of prison time looms ever closer, your discarded-kite-string doilies are taking on a decidedly knotted look.10> The head of Human Resources begged you to start counseling immediately, but you think he was just nervous because of your Uzi.9> After Biff picks you up a half-beat late, you flip out and tell all your Up With People cast mates exactly up what orifice they can cram all that sunshine.8> When asked Do you want fries with that? you get out of the car and beat the crap out of the plastic clown.7> You give the finger so much, the you have to wear a court-ordered mitten.6> The last time you played Monopoly, someone had to have a metal dog removed from her eye.5> You cold-cocked Grandma when she burned the French toast.4> It’s either that or the Oxycontin that makes you twitch uncontrollably whenever someone says the word Hillary.3> You got kicked off the debate team after one too many F*** off, ***hole! rebuttals.2> What kind of thick-headed sales-skank runs out of friggin’ Thin Mints?1> Your defense against the charges of felony possession of a firearm and reckless endangerment of a child: That goddam Weeble wobbled, but it wouldn’t fall down! [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

How do you tell the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the mental hospital?

The patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!

A woman went to the doctor’s office for a physical. The doctor took a blood sample and told her to return in one week for the results.

One week later, she and her husband returned to the doctor’s office. The doctor took the husband aside and told him, “Sir, I’m afraid I have some bad news. We accidentally mixed your wife’s blood sample with another patient’s, and we have no idea whose is whose. The bad news is one has Alzheimer’s disease, and the other has AIDS. I want you to come back in another week and by then I should have it all sorted out.”

The man looked scared and said, “That’s terrible, doc, what should I do until then?”

“Well, when you’re driving home today, drop her off two blocks away from your house. If she makes it home, don’t have sex with her!”

What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
They both hope to be human someday.

What do you get when you cross Viagra with Rogaine?

Don King.

Following the approval of Viagra by the UK’s health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to the pharmacy distribution warehouse. Scotland Yard has warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?

Of course you’ve heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

Viagra, medicine’s version of “MIRACLE-GRO.”

When asked to sign a document a doctor pulled
a rectal thermometer out of his pocket, “damn!””

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. “But how will I let you know the baby is born?”” she asked. He replied

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?””

“”I was thinking about my own funeral

Once there was a lady who had small tits. Well on day she heard about this doctor called Dr. Johnson.So of course she went to see him. He told her how he could help, but she had second thoughts about doing it. He told her to pinch her tits and sing, ” mary had a little lamb. its fleece was white as snow. anywhere that mary went that lamb was sure to go””
Well sure enough she did

This guy isn’t feeling good so he goes and gets a check-up. The doctor calls him back in and tells him he has nothing but bad news. ” You’re terminal