Category: medical

A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel
problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself.
Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where
a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets,
throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the
commotion.
“What’s going on here?”
“I don’t know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.”

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical
technology. He said, “We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put
the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work.”
An Englishman said, “We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart
out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks.”

The Irishman says, “That’s nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put
into another man’s body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks.”

The American says, “Well hell, that’s nothin’. We had an idiot taken out of
Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin’ for work!”

a medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little
practice in before the final exams.
he went over to a table where a body was lying face down. he removed the sheet
over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse’s rectum.
figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise,
music began playing “on the road again . . . just can’t wait to get on the road
again . . . “
the student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the
rectum. the music stopped. totally freaked out, the student called the medical
examiner over to the corpse. “look at this. this is really something!” the
student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.
“on the road again . . .
just can’t wait to get on the road again … “
“so what?”, the medical examiner replied, obviously
unimpressed with the student’s discovery. “but isn’t that the most amazing
thing you’ve ever seen?” asked the student. “are you kidding?” replied the
examiner, “any a****** can sing country music.”

There’s a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor’s convention one
night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female
doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they’re sitting next to each
other by the end of dinner.After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to
go up to his hotel room.”Sure,” the woman says. ”Let me go wash my hands
first.”After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she
washes her hands again.
This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ”You know, you
must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.”
Angry at this remark, the woman says, ”Well, you must be an anesthesiologist,
because I didn’t feel a thing!”

QUESTION : WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ORAL AND A RECTAL THERMOMETER ? ANSWER : THE TASTE !!!!!!

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.Patient: I wanna second opinion.Doctor: Okay, you’re ugly, too.

There was a man who got into a car accident. He was soon rushed to the
hospital.
The left side of his body was completely paralyzed.
The doctor said, “He was going to be all right.”

Three nurses arrive at the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks the first why he should admit her. She replies that she has
been an emergency room nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of lives.

“Okay,” he says, “Come on in!”

The second reports that he has been an ICU nurse and he, too, has saved
thousands and thousands of lives. St. Peter lets him in, too.

St. Peter asks the third nurse the same question.

She replies that she has been a managed care nurse and has saved thousands and
thousands of dollars for the insurance company.

St. Peter replies, “Okay, come on in… but you can only stay three days.”

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
“A doctor?”
“And why’s that?”
“Because it’s the only profession where you can tell women to take off their
clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill.”

A Canadian study shows that smokers seem to have smaller penises, due to the smoking.Health Canada should take note of that penis study.There is no doubt that news of reduced size and endurance, if properly advertised, will end smoking once and for all in the male population … of this man hath no greater fear.To save taxpayers a whole bunch of money, we asked the Page Six Research and Jingle Division — currently out stocking up on nicotine gum and Viagra — to create some new lines for those government warnings on cigarette packs.Here’s what came up.* These cigarettes are king size — and you’re not.* Smoking sections in restaurants aren’t the only things getting smaller.* If you don’t reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.* Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.* Smoke rises — you may not.* Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children — if you were capable of conceiving any.* Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff — so do you.* How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards if there’s no before?* The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.* Don’t throw lit cigarettes in the urinal — you might not have the range to put them out.

There was only one cure for his problem…a brain transplant. Having decided
to have the operation privately he was given the choice of what sort of brain he
should receive.
“The brain of a top-notch mathematician will cost you $10,000. That of a
world-renowned astro-physicist will set you back $20,000. But if you want the
brain of a politician it will cost $40,000!”
“Why on earth does the brain of a politician cost so much more than those of
people who are clearly much cleverer?” he asked, very much surprised.
“Ah well, you see, the politician’s brain has hardly ever been used.”

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, “Hey, wanna
hear a blonde joke?”
The man says back to the blind man, “Look buddy, I’m blonde. The man behind me
is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde.
The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde
joke?”

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, “Nah, I wouldn’t want to
have to explain it five times.”