Category: medical

A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned to specialize in gynecology.

When she asked him why he chose gynecology, he said simply, “There’s lots of openings!”

A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife is going to have her
baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in
the wrong one.

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At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.
“Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” the patient
said sadly.

********************

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest
of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

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I was performing a complete physical, including the visual
acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and
began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20
line perfectly. “Now your left.” Again, a flawless read. “Now
both,” I requested. There was silence. He couldn’t even read the
large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had
done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both
his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

********************

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
“How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete
confusion she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years, when
my husband was last alive.”

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I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, “So how was
your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the
Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the
patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”

********************

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She
asked, Do you have Viagra?”
“Yes,” he answered.
She asked, “Does it work?”
“Yes,” he answered.
“Can you get it over the counter?” she asked.
“I can if I take two,” he answered.

Mavis: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor. Doctor: Oh, really? Mavis: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the
hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually
asked Tim, �Hey Tim, what’re you in for?�
�I’m getting my tonsils out — I’m a little worried,� said Tim.
�Oh don’t worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to
eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!�
�Oh yeah?” replied Tim. �That’s not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you?
What’re you here for?�
�I’m getting a circumcision, whatever that is,� Sammy answered.
�Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn’t
walk for two years!�

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!

William’s wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming. Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor. William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient’s nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him.

“Well,” William answered. “I seem to be getting forgetful. I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?”

The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, “Pay me in advance.”

Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxillin,
Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and
announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafailin.

Also considered were: Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin and
Mydixarizin.

For women – Helpful info.
For men – For the woman in your life.

PREPARING FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM:

Many woman are afraid of their mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By
taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the
following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you
can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.

Exercise No. 1:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist.Invite a stranger into
the room. Place one bookend on each side of your breast. Press the bookends
together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet again
next year and do it again. Repeat all steps on the other breast.

Exercise No. 2:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the
main box. Have one of your strongest friends (or a stranger) slam the door shut
as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position
for five seconds. Don’t breathe. REPEAT again in case the first time wasn’t
effective enough. REPEAT all steps on the other breast.

Exercise No. 3:
Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is
just perfect (anywhere below 32 degrees).Take off all your warm clothes and lay
comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged tightly under the rear tire of
the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently
flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your
mammogram.

Oly was working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally sliced off all ten of his fingers.

He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor who examines him is really disturbed at such a tragedy. “Oh, yuck! Well, that’s all right, Oly, give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do for you.”

“I haven’t got the fingers,” Oly said, gasping through his pain.

The doctor said, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? It’s 2001. We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have reattached the fingers. You’d be as good as new! Why didn’t you bring the fingers?”

“Well, geez, Doc, Oly,” groaned, I couldn’t pick ’em up.”

Dear Dr. Dover:

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.

After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o’clock in the morning?

A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn’t work, and the wife got pregnant.

A lady of several years’ experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, Silky Hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again.

Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.

I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.

We tried the coil next but that didn’t work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.

The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.

Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn’t get anywhere near her.

You must appreciate my problems. If I can’t have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can’t believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.

Yours sincerely,

He is not dead, he is electroencephalographically challenged.

This old man in his eighty’s got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going ?”
He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”
And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”
“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he
said, “Where are you going?”
She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”
He said, “Why?”
She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m
going to get a tetanus shot.”