Category: medical

Three.
One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as
much for the same procedure!!

An old man goes to see the doctor and gets some tests. When the results come
in, the doctor calls the old man in and says, �You’d better sit down. It’s
pretty bad.�
The old man, naturally, gets all nervous and asks, �What is it doc? Don’t hold
back — just give it to me straight.�
�Well,� says the doctor, �you have cancer and you have Alzheimer�s.�
The man replies, �Wow. Well, at least I don’t have cancer.�

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, “I am Napoleon!”
Another one said, “How do you know?”

First inmate answers, “Winston Churchill told me!”

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, “I did NOT!”

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After
trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family
doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.
“I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and….”
He is interrupted by the doctor, “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left
ear”.
“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”
“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself
suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a
tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my
wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her
strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every
day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.
Two weeks go by and the man is back, “Well, how do you
feel?”
“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started
this treatment! I can’t thank you enough.And, by the way you have a lovely
home.”

One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted to commit suicide but
unfortunately she did not know where her heart was.
So the old woman calls up her doctor and asked,� where�s my heart located?”
”On a woman, it’s usually located under her left breast,” the doctor
replied.
The next day the woman was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a gun shot
wound to the knee.

Doctor: You’re in good health. You’ll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you!

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses. Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank!

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary
surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained
consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by
his bed.

“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting
his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your
stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.

“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”

“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.

“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble
spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters’; they are
married to God.”

“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my
brother-in-law.”

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was
a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his
employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head
nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and
announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his
arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I cannot use an oral
thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but eventually he
rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have
to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He
curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing.
After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Well, no. I guess I haven’t. Not with a
carnation anyway.”

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, ”Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?” The mother says, ”It’s my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.” The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, ”Well,I don’t know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant – about 4 months would be my guess.” The mother says, ”Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?” Darla says, ”No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!” The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, ”Is there something wrong out there doctor?” The doctor replies, ”No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians. (Courtesy of Richard Lederer, Ph.D. “Fractured English.”)

– By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.

– Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

– The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

– On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

– She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

– The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

– I will be happy to go into her GI system. She seems ready and anxious.

– Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

– I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

– The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

– Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

– The patient will need disposition, therefore Dr. Blank will dispose of him.

– Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

– The patient refused an autopsy.

– The patient has no past history of suicides.

– The patient expired on the floor unetentfully.

– Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

– Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

– The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

– She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

– The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

– The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

How do you make stew out of a leper?
Put him in a Jacuzzi and turn it on full.