Category: medical

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin.
Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.

The doctor told her it would cost around $500, but there was
another way that would cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the
doctor worked on her for several minutes.

After the “first night” of intimacy, the woman came back to the
doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood,
everything was there. And she asked him how he did it.

“Simple…I tied your pubic hairs together!”

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor’s
office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They
bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”

“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging
through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new
sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your
trouble will be over.”

“Great,” the blond answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a
shot.”

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever.
“Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”

“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking
his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”

“That may be true,” answered the blond wearily, “but I’m still
up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one
it’s hard getting him to swallow the pill!”

I wish I was a glow worm.
A glow worm’s never glum.
It’s hard to be downhearted, When the sun shines out your bum!

ARTERY. . . . . . . . .THE STUDY OF PAINTINGS
BACTERIA. . . . . . . .BACK DOOR OF A CAFETERIA
BARIUM. . . . . . . . .WHAT DOCTORS DO WHEN A PATIENT DIES
BOWEL. . . . . . . . .A LETTER LIKE A, E, I, O, OR U
CESAREAN SECTION. . . .A NEIGHBORHOOK IN ROME
CAT SCAN. . . . . . . .SEARCHING FOR A KITTY
CAUTERIZE. . . . . . .HAD EYE CONTACT WITH HER
COLIC. . . . . . . . .A SHEEP DOG
COMA. . . . . . . . .A PUNCTUATION MARK
D & C. . . . . . . . .WHERE WASHINGTON IS
DILATE. . . . . . . .TO LIVE LONG
ENEMA. . . . . . . . .NOTA FRIEND
FESTER. . . . . . . . .QUICKER
FIBULA. . . . . . . . .A SMALL LIE
GENITAL. . . . . . . .NOT A JEW
G. I. SERIES. . . . .A SOLDIER’S BALL GAME
HANGNAIL. . . . . . . .COAT HOOK
IMPOTENT. . . . . . . .DISTINGUISHED, WELL KNOWN
LABOR PAIN. . . . . . .GETTING HURT AT WORK
MEDICAL STAFF. . . . .A DOCTOR’S CANE
MORBID. . . . . . . . .A HIGHER OFFER
NITRATES. . . . . . . .CHEAPER THAN DAY RATES
NODE. . . . . . . . . .WAS AWARE OF
OUTPATIENT. . . . . . .A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTED
PAP SMEAR. . . . . . .A FATHERHOOD TEST
PELVIS. . . . . . . . A COUSIN TO ELVIS
POST OPERATIVE. . . . .LETTER CARRIER
RECOVERY ROOM. . . . . .PLACE TO DO UPHOLSTERY
RECTUM. . . . . . . . .DAMN NEAR KILLED ‘EM
SECRETION. . . . . . .HIDING SOMETHING
SEIZURE. . . . . . . .ROMAN EMPEROR
TABLET. . . . . . . . .SMALL TABLE
TERMINAL ILLNESS. . . . .GETTING SICK AT THE AIRPORT
ULTRASOUND. . . . . . . .VERY GOOD MUSIC
URINE. . . . . . . . . .OPPOSITE OF “YOU’RE OUT”
VARICOSE. . . . . . . .NEAR BY
VEIN. . . . . . . . . .CONCEITED

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to
a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and
her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then
asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said “this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection
which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what
you could give me for it?”
The pharmacist said “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.”
When she returned, she said, “the best we can do is 1/3
ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.”

Q: What’s the best time for a dental appointment?
A: Tooth-thirty.

John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Cut your head off!

The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.

The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled.
Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony.

He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss.
One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.

A scientist was successful in cloning himself. He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper. The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.

“My fellow scientists,” he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, “he’s an @SSHOLE!”.

The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to “sit down and shut-up!”. Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, “My fellow scientists,”.

Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, “this dumb @SS couldn’t produce a copy on a Xerox. He’s a fraudulent I D I O T!”.

Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window. The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York’s finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired.

The police chief said to the scientist, “We are going to have to arrest you.”

The scientist replied, “For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person.”.

The attending scientists nodded in agreement.

“Well,” retorted the police chief, “we can not let this heinous act go unchallenged”.

The police chief thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for “Making an obscene clone fall…”

A funeral procession was winding it’s way to the cemetery on top of the hill outside town, when the hearse hit a bump.

The coffin was bumped loose, fell out onto the road and began sliding back toward town. (It was a steep hill) It slid faster and faster.
Finally, it reached the town and was skidding its way down Main St.

Suddenly, at one intersection, the coffin hit a curb, flew onto the sidewalk, smashed through the front glass window of the pharmacy, and slammed up against the prescription counter.

The lid popped off, the corpse sat up and said..
“You got anything to stop this coffin?”

An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, “Oh oh !”
The man asked the doctor what the problem was.

“Well,” said the doc, “you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?”

“No”, replied the man.

“Do you drink in excess?

“No.” replied the man.

“Do you have a sex life?”

“Yes, I do!”

“Well,” said the doc, “I’m afraid with this heart murmur, you’ll have to give up half your sex life.”

Looking perplexed, the old man said, “Which half…the LOOKING or the THINKING?”

What do you get when you cross P. Diddy with Kenny G.?
An aneurysm.