Category: medical

1. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you

2. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.

3. You find humor in other peoples stupidity.

4. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac

5. Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint.

6. You believe that “shallow gene pool” should be a diagnosis.

7. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

8. You believe Chocolate is a food group.

9. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says,”Boy, it sure is quiet around here.

10. When you’re out in public and you compliment a stranger on their great veins.

11. You have ever referred to someone’s death as a transfer to the eternal care center.

12. You hate working nights with a full moon.

13. You don’t think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is appropriate for this patient.

14. You have wanted to give a seminar on “SUICIDE” Doing it right the first time.

15. You have had to leave a pt’s room before you laugh uncontrollably.

16. You think coffee should be available in IV form.

17. You have ever restrained someone and it was NOT a sexual experience.

18. You believe that “too stupid to live” should be a diagnosis.

19. If you have ever referred to a Paramedic as a “Shit magnate”.

20. You believe that the waiting room should have Valium Salt Licks.

21. You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab.

22. When ordering labs, the Doctor wants to order a “dumb shit” lab.

23. When you mention vegetable you aren’t talking about the food group.

24. You are totally astounded when someone from the lab speaks English.

25. You have been exposed to so many x-rays that you say, “No, I don’t have to be worried about birth control… I’ve been irradiated.”

26. Your patient states, “I have no idea how that got stuck up there.”

27. You have your weekends all marked and planned for the year.

28. You encourage an obnoxious person to sign an AMA just so you don’t have to deal with them anymore.

29. You use your status to get out of a speeding ticket.

30. You use the word GOMER in a sentence more than once a shift.

31. You have ever bet on someones blood alcohol level.

32. You threaten to use “the hose” if your patient won’t give a urine sample.

33. After someone tells you how many drinks they’ve had, you ask: “How big were those drinks.”

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, “I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.””In that case,” said the patient, “I’ll come back when you’re sober”

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.

The doctor says, “You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.”

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. “Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember,” she says. “I am going to treat you like a king!”

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.

She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.

Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her… “Honey?” he whispers.

She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband’s dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.

Well, the man decides to tap her again. “Honey?” he whispers.

She rolls over and yells, “Oh sure!…
You’re not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!

There was this woman who went to the doctors cause she was complaining that sex with her husband wasn’t up to par. So the doctor recommended some sex pills and told her to give him one, have sex that night and come back to him with the results.

The next morning she went back to the doctor’s and said “Well, the sex was much better but to tell you the truth it could be alot better.” So the doctor said, “Give him him three tonight and come back to me with the results”

So she did that and the next morning she told him about her experience but said the same thing. “The sex can really be better, Doctor.” So the Doctor said “What the hell, give your husband the whole bottle.”

The next morning a little boy came into the doctor’s office and the doctor asked if he could help him. “I’m the son of the lady you gave those pills to.” “Oh, yes. How did they work?” asked the doctor.

“Well, my mom’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad’s laying on the couch saying ‘Here Kitty, Kitty.'”

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked
her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring,
etc., when she interrupted him: “Hey look, I’m a vet — I don’t need to ask my
patients these kind of questions: I can tell what’s wrong just by looking. Why
can’t you?”
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and
handed it to her and said, “There you are. Of course, if that doesn’t work,
we’ll have to have you put down.”

“I’m worried,” said the woman to her sex therapist. “I happened to find my daughter and the little boy next door both naked and examining each other’s bodies.”

“That’s not unusual,” smiled the therapist. “I wouldn’t worry about it.”

“But I am worried, doctor,” insisted the woman, “and so is my daughter’s husband!”

A woman goes to the doctor’s and says, “Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!”
The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.

A week later the woman returns and says, “Doctor, Doctor, it’s gotten worse!

Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What’s wrong with me?”

Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.

Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, “Doctor, Doctor, I’m still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!”

The doctor says, “Relax, Relax,… you’re just going through your change!”

One night a married couple were up stairs getting ready for bed.
The husband just got out of the shower and walked into their
room. As he walked in he saw his wife standing in front of a
mirror naked. As he contined to watch he saw her start rubbing
her tits. He continued to watch until she noticed him. He asked
“What the hell are you doing?” She replied “My tits are so
small, I’ve tried everything, working out, creams, lotions,
nothing seems to work! I guess plastic surgery is the only
answer.” The husband looks at her for a moment, scratches his
head and says, “Well, go into the bathroom and get some toilet
paper.” “Toilet paper?” She replied. “Ya, take some toilet paper
and rub it inbetween your tits.” The wife replied “How in the
hell will that make my tits bigger!?” The husband answered, “You
got me, but it sure as hell worked on your ass!”

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six-pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach standing there. This time he was knee’d in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then he left.

The fourth night Frank didn’t drink at all. The doorbell rang. The six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. “What can I do?” he pleaded.

“Not much” answered the doctor. “There’s just a nasty bug going around.”

Nowadays there’s little meaning
For a person to be gleaning
When a man attaches “Doctor” to his name
He may be a chiropractor
Or a painless tooth extractor
He’s entitled to the title just the same.

Or perhaps he is a preacher
Or a lecturer or teacher,
Or an expert who cures chickens of the pip;
He may keep a home for rummies,
Or massage fat people’s tummies,
Or specialize in ailments of the hip.

Everybody is a “doctor,”
From the backwoods herb concocter
To the man who takes bunions from your toes;
From the frowning dietician
To the snappy electrician
Who shocks you loose from all the body’s woes.

So there’s very little meaning
For a sufferer to be gleaning
When a man attaches “Doctor” to his name.
He may pound you, he may starve you,
He may cut your hair or carve you,
You have got to call him Doctor all the same!

A man complained to his friend “My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor.” “Don’t do that,” volunteered his friend “there’s a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment.”
The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar.

He took this concoction down to the drug store, poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

Your tap water has lead.
Get a filter.
Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs.
Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant.
It’s not your baby – get a lawyer.
And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

why did the pilsberry dough boy die?

because of severe pokes in the belly.