Category: medical

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn’t the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

A woman went to the doctors office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

An aging patient was stomping around his psychiatrist’s office, running his
hands through his hair, almost in tears. “Doctor, my memory’s gone. Gone! I
can’t remember my wife’s name. Can’t remember my children’s names. Can’t
remember what kind of car I drive. Can’t remember where I work. It was all I
could do to find my way here.” – “Calm down. How long have you been like this?”
– “Like what?”

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked,
“Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man’s pulse?”
“No,” the coroner replied.

The attorney then asked, “Did you listen for a heart beat?”
The coroner said, “No.”

“Did you check for breathing?”, asked the attorney.
Again the coroner replied, “No.”

The attorney asked, “So when you signed the death certificate you had not
taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?”
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, “Well, let me put it this
way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he
could be out there practicing law somewhere.”

“The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
“And did he?”
“Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”

There’s this guy and one day, when he pissing, he notices that his penis is orange. He goes, “What the hell?” and he went to the doctor the next day. “Doc, why’s my penis orange?” he asks. The doctor goes, “Hmm. Never seen anything like it. Here, take a couple of these pills and come back here tomorrow.”
So the guy takes the pills back home and uses it that night. The next day, he goes back to the doctor and the stuff doesn’t do anything. So, the doctor gives him some stronger stuff and tells him to come back the next day. He takes it home and the next day, his penis is still orange. He goes back to the doctor and he gives him the strongest stuff they have. You know, he’ll be out for twelve hours and he can’t eat or drink anything during that time, etc. He comes back a couple days later and his penis is still orange.

The doctor goes, “Damn. What’s going on? What kind of sex have you been having?”

The guy goes, “Well, actually, I haven’t gotten any in a long time.”

So the doctor thinks a little bit and asks, “Well, what’d you do last night?”

The guy says, “Um, I was looking at some pornos and eating some Cheetoes.”

What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?

A hematologist pricks your finger.

A distraught patient phoned her docter, “Is it true that I have
to take these pills for the rest of my life?” “I’m afraid so,”
said the doctor. There was a moment of silence. The woman
started up again, “Well, how serious is my illness? This
prescription says NO REFILLS.”

A doctor was in the car with her 4-year-old daughter. On the way
to preschool, the girl picked up her mother’s stethoscope, which
had been on the seat of the car. The mother thought, “Oh, how
sweet, she wants to be just like me!” Then the little girl spoke
into the instrument, saying, “Welcome to McDonald’s. Can I take
your order?”

A guy says, “Doctor, Doctor! Help me, I keep thinking I’m getting smaller!”
Doctor replies, “Well, you’ll just have to be a little patient.”

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’m a schizophrenic
And so am I.

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked
into his office and said, “Doctor, I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any
friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me
accept my ugliness?”

“I’m sure I can,” the psychiatrist replied. “Just go over there and lie face
down on that couch.”