Category: medical

Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the
patient’s suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and
requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that
your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that
your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness,
which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is
presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms
that you would understand.

Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a
privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians,
health care managers and other humanitarians.

Do not suffer from ailments not covered by your health care plan. It is a
waste of resources to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of
treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one
and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

Never die while in your doctor’s presence or under his direct care. This will
only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

There was an older man who’d married a younger woman. All was going well…
except in the bedroom. He couldn’t last long enough to satisfy her. She said it
didn’t matter but he knew it was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and
asked for help.
The doctor recommended that he satisfy himself before they have sex — that
way, he’d last longer. The next day, the man planned on ravishing his wife when
he came home, and decided to please himself on the way. So he pulled over onto a
quiet road. But he couldn’t just sit there in his car having a wank, so he
decided to lie under the car and pretend that he was fixing he car. He crawled
under the car, closed his eyes, imagined his wife naked, and started wanking.
After a while he felt something tugging at his jeans.

“Sir, this is the police. Would you mind telling us what you’re doing?”

Not wanting to lose this wonderful image of his wife he kept his eyes closed.

“I’m just fixing the axle of my car, officer.”

“Well, while you’re down there you’d better check the brakes. Your car has
crashed into a tree half a mile down the road!”

Three guys are in a doctor’s office. One is a drunk, another’s a smoker and
the third’s a gay guy. The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in
their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, �I don’t care if I die, I need a
drink.� The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops
dead.

Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots
a lit cigarette on the sidewalk. The gay guy looks over and says, �If you bend
down to pick that up, we’re both dead.�

Q:why do the people have heart Attacks?

A:Because they saw your face

What do you call a geriatric gynecologist?

A spreader of old wives’ tales!

WHAT DO ANTS TAKE WHEN THEY NEED MEDICINE?
ANTIBIOTICS!

A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.”Miss Jones,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”

A patient goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gives him a Rorschach Test; he shows the patient a circle with a dot inside it and asks, “What do you see?”

The patient replies, “Two people are having sex in the middle of a circular room.”

The psychiatrist shows the patient another picture of a square with a dot inside it and asks, “What do you see?”

Patient answers, “Two people are having sex in a square room.”

The psychiatrist shows the patient one more picture of a triangle with a dot outside it and asks, “What do you see now?”

Patient replies, “Doctor, are you some kind of pervert?!?”

A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man
had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about
the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming
himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked.

While he was sitting in the chair being examined, the dentist said to him, “Have you done oral sex lately?”

The man replied, “Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell? Have you found a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?”

The dentist says, “No, not quite. You’ve got some shit on the end of your nose!”

A fellow went to the doctor one day and said, “Doc, I have a problem. My penis is red.”

Doctor replied, “Drop your pants, let me take a look. Ummm…yes, no problem, we can have you fixed up in no time, $40.”

The fellow was impressed. Told his friend of the experience and that he hadn’t been to a doctor for only $40 for quite a spell.
His friend said, “Really? I have a similar problem. What doctor did you go to?”

So his friend goes to the same doctor and tells him, “Doc, George recommended you…you’ve got to help me. My penis is blue.”

Doc asks to take a look. “Ah yes… Ummm… Yep, we can take care of it, no problem, $400.”

“FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS?” Wait a MINUTE! You took care of George for only $40.”

“Yes, I did. But George’s penis had lipstick on it. Yours has gangrene!”

Needing to conduct a pathology test, a doctor asked a simple Irish woman for a speciman. Not wishing to confess her ignorance, she returned home & went next door to ask her neighbour what a speciman was. She came back all battered & bruised & generally dishevelled. When hubby asked her what happened, she said, ” I asked Sally what a speciman was & she told me to go pee in a bottle. So I said go shit in your hat, & the fight was on.”