Category: medical

“Doctor! My wife has lost her voice. What can I do to help her get it back?”
“Try coming home at 3 in the morning.”

Johnny was about to turn 14 and his father didn’t know what to
buy him for his birthday. He asked Johnny “What do you want for
your birthday, Son?”

Johnny replied “Well Dad, I would really like a 6 pack of ping
pong balls.”

Johnny’s father was rather bemused by this, but nonetheless he
searched hard for a 6 pack of ping pong balls, but did not find
one. He bought Johnny a skateboard instead.

When Johnny opened his present, he said “Well Dad, this is
really great, but I would really have liked a 6 pack of ping
pong balls.

Next year Johnny was about to turn 15 and his father didn’t know
what to buy him for his birthday. He asked Johnny “What do you
want for your birthday, Son?”

Johnny replied “Well Dad, I would really like a 6 pack of ping
pong balls.”

Johnny’s father was rather bemused by this, but nonetheless he
searched hard for a 6 pack of ping pong balls, but did not find
one. He bought Johnny a bike instead.

When Johnny opened his present, he said “Well Dad, this is
really great, but I would really have liked a 6 pack of ping
pong balls.

Next year Johnny was about to turn 16 and his father didn’t know
what to buy him for his birthday. He asked Johnny “What do you
want for your birthday, Son?”

Johnny replied “Well Dad, I would really like a 6 pack of ping
pong balls.”

Johnny’s father was rather bemused by this, but nonetheless he
searched hard for a 6 pack of ping pong balls, but did not find
one. He bought Johnny a pair of rollerblades instead.

When Johnny opened his present, he said “Well Dad, this is
really great, but I would really have liked a 6 pack of ping
pong balls.

Next year Johnny was about to turn 17 and his father didn’t know
what to buy him for his birthday. He asked Johnny “What do you
want for your birthday, Son?”

Johnny replied “Well Dad, I would really like a 6 pack of ping
pong balls.”

Johnny’s father was rather bemused by this, but nonetheless he
searched hard for a 6 pack of ping pong balls, but did not find
one. He bought Johnny a laptop instead.

When Johnny opened his present, he said “Well Dad, this is
really great, but I would really have liked a 6 pack of ping
pong balls.

Next year Johnny was about to turn 18 and his father didn’t know
what to buy him for his birthday. He asked Johnny “What do you
want for your birthday, Son?”

Johnny replied “Well Dad, I would really like a 6 pack of ping
pong balls.”

Johnny’s father was rather bemused by this, but nonetheless he
searched hard for a 6 pack of ping pong balls, but did not find
one. He bought Johnny a 9 pack of ping pong balls instead.

When Johnny opened his present, he said “Well Dad, this is
really great, but I would really have liked a 6 pack of ping
pong balls.

Next year Johnny was about to turn 19 and his father didn’t know
what to buy him for his birthday. He asked Johnny “What do you
want for your birthday, Son?”

Johnny replied “Well Dad, I would really like a 6 pack of ping
pong balls.”

Johnny’s father was rather bemused by this, but nonetheless he
searched hard for a 6 pack of ping pong balls, but did not find
one. He bought Johnny an atlas instead.

When Johnny opened his present, he said “Well Dad, this is
really great (actually, it really, really sucks), but I would
really have liked a 6 pack of ping pong balls.

Next year Johnny was about to turn 20 and his father didn’t know
what to buy him for his birthday. He asked Johnny “What do you
want for your birthday, Son?”

Johnny replied “Well Dad, I would really like a 6 pack of ping
pong balls.”

Johnny’s father thought Johnny was getting a little bit old for
a 6 pack of ping pong balls, so he didn’t bother searching.
Instead, he bought Johnny a car.

When Johnny opened his present, he said “Well Dad, this is
really great, but I would really have liked a 6 pack of ping
pong balls.

Johnny was driving his car one day when he had a terrible car
accident. In hospital, he said to his father “Dad, I do not have
much longer to live, so you can ask me one question.”

Johnny’s father thought for a moment and then said “Why did you
want a six pack of ping pong balls?”

Johnny replied “Well Dad, I wanted the 6 pack of ping pong balls
because ………….. “

Then he died.

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her
doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before
you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my
patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ”Scooby doobie
doobie, give me bigger boobies.” She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed
one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on
the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on
the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ”Scooby doobie doobie, give me bigger
boobies”. The man standing next to her says, ”You go to Dr. Smith?” ”Yes,”
she said, ”how did you know?” He replies ”Hickory dickory dock!”

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?”

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb.”

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2’s face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself”

Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?”

One day I went to the doctor and he said I need surgery so I
asked him what for he replied that I need to have a c section I
asked him what for i never had sex he replied well you must have
because your pregnet. Ohh thats weird. The doctor finally
replied Do you want to know what is even weirder I asked him
what is it he said your having more then just twins your uhh
having septuplets. Ok I said I told the doctor something even
funnier I didn’t have sex with a man it was with my sister!!!!!1

Q, What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A. A genealogist looks up your family tree . . . A gynecologist looks up your family bush!

A couple has been married for 50 years. One day they went to a doctor because
they recently had been forgetting things and they were afraid that they would
leave the stove on. The doctor said, �There is no way medically, but you could
always write notes to help you remember things.�
That night, as the wife was getting up, her husband asked what she was doing.
She replied, �I was just going to make some ice cream.� The husband insisted
that he would make it. As he was walking into the kitchen, she called out, �WITH
A CHERRY ON TOP!�
�Okay dear,� he replied.
�And sprinkles too!�
�Okay dear.�
From the kitchen came sounds of banging pots and pans and nearly twenty
minutes later he came back into the room with bacon and eggs. The wife said �So?
Where’s the toast?�

When you’re hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even
when you’re feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned this
the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were
his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning
she entered his room and announced, “I have to take your
temperature.”

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth. “No, I’m sorry,” the
nurse stated,” but for this reading, I can’t use an oral
thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but
eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling
the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have
to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!”
She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed
under his breath as he heard people walking past his door
laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor came into the
room.

“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor. Angrily, the man
answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone
having their temperature taken?”

“Yes,” said the doctor. “But never with a carnation.”

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…” “I know, I know,” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked this all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” “No, that’s not it at all,” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

A new nurse listened while Dr. Bryce was yelling, “Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!”

The new nurse asked another nurse, “Why is he doing that?”

The other nurse replied, “Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here.”

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.”Doctor,” says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. “Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?””I don’t see why not,” replies the doctor.”That’s funny,” says the man. “I wasn’t able to play it before.”